Of Swords and Fire (Percy Jackson/LOTR)

Chapter 6: Splodge and Splatter

Gimli led Legolas down a carven stone passage-way depicting Durin the 2nd. His elves followed suit, still glancing at the dwarves in a uneasy way.

"Ah, here is the mess hall." Gimli spread his arms majestically around a few stone tables and a a couple dozen ramshackle wooden chairs.

"Stori, you get the ingredients. Glori, the fire." Said Gimli in a would be professional manner.

The dwarf called Stori rummaged in the pantry. He brought out a crate of jerky, ham, and other various types of meat. The elves looked at the meat incredulously. "Uh, we mainly eat vegetables." Called out Legolas to Stori.

Stori grumbled something under his breath ("Herbivores..") and went back into the pantry, bringing out a couple of wilted lettuces and a beetroot that looked like it was ripe during the rule of Durin the first.

He plonked the vegetables on top of the meat, and then headed to the pantry for the third time, bringing out a box of multicoloured dust. Or what seemed like it.

He rushed the three boxes to where Gimli was. Another stocky, dirt covered dwarf brought out a cooking pan as large as Bombur. Gimli began to slap the meat with his hands. The elves wrinkled their noses. Even Legolas looked sceptical.

Stori and the other dwarf rolled out a large barrel. They then began to pour a sticky liquid into the cooking pan. The fire roared beneath the pot.

As Gimli was torturing the unknown meat, yet another dwarf took a jar of red dust and sniffed it. The dwarf sneezed. He then began to voraciously dump a unnecessarily large amount of the dust on the liquid.

Stori took out a stick, and began to stir the concoction with it.

Gimli took the slapped meat with his bare hands and shoved it in the cooking pot. He then took the vegetables, unwashed, and threw them into the pot with unnecessary force. "You didn't wash them!" Cried out Legolas.

"They don't need washing. The nutrition stays on them if you don't wash it." Said Gimli from behind the pot. The elves were frozen to the spot, struck dumb by the atrocity of the crimes against cooking.

"The frothy broth burbled inside the pan. Gimli dusted his hands and began rolling barrels of what appeared to be wine ("This better be wine!" Muttered an Elf) and putting it gently beside the table. "Finest wine we got. Dates back to – " He thought for a second. " Before my father went with the company."

The elves looked dubiously at the large barrel. Legolas took a dusty cup from a frowning dwarf and poured the red liquid into the cup. "Very – irony." Legolas commented.

"Yes, yes. I suspect it might be from the bones." Gimli said dismissively. Legolas dropped the cup. It fell to the floor with a clink and splattered the wine all over Stori, who was strring the soup. "Watch it! That's the finest wine!" Spluttered Gimli indignantly.

"Bones?" uttered Legolas. "There's bones in here?!"

One of the elves stood up. "Is this a sick joke? A hospitality of the dwarves? IF this is the hospitality of the dwarves, then we shall be no better off than with the hospitality of an orc!" The elf spoke.

Many muttered in assent, and angry whispers vibrated from every elf in the room. " You would be better off without them, Captain. We should have left them to the orcs!" Said the elf angrily. Dwarves began shifting edgily around the room, aroused by the muttering and whispers.

"Quiet, Talgir. I mean no trouble with these people. Instead of pushing them away, we should be accepting them. The enemy of the enemy is your friend." (A/N: Yes, that was a quote from a person that I should know, except I don't. Anyways, that's not my quote.)

"We should head out, Captain. See if there is anymore orcs on the prowl." And with that, Talgir headed outside with all of the elves and disappeared into the oncoming darkness. Dwarves muttered grimly, but with satisfaction. Legolas sighed. "When will we get past that old feud? If we can't get over that, then the war is already lost." Gimli brushed off the dirt on his armor. "I don't know, Legolas my friend. But we can hope." Gimli thudded heavily next to Legolas, and promptly fell asleep, snoring loudly. Legolas stared into empty space. He had been in many wars, but none with a dwarven friend, snoring beside him.

_____Percy POV_____

Of course, Percy just had to poof into existence 20 feet of the ground. For a split second, Percy was too stunned to do anything. Then gravity took hold. He yelped, and grabbed the nearest thing. A tree branch. Of course it snapped. And of course, Percy had to land in a pile of mud. "Youch..." He said painfully, rubbing his neck. He looked up. A backpack sailed from the portal. He quickly ducked out of the way. The backpack landed with a splash into the splodgy mud.

"Why you got to do this to me?" Percy said to the sky. Then he realised there were no Olympians in this realm. He stood up and took the backpack from the dirt. He felt a tug in his guts, and concentrated on the backpack. A ball of water floated from the surface of the backpack, leaving it bone dry. Percy sighed in relief. His powers did work in this realm!

He placed the backpack safely on the ground, and checked what was inside it. His set of armor, a few books (Thanks, Athena) a map that he had never seen before, a box of cereal and a canteen of water. He looked down. He wasn't in his camp half blood t-shirt anymore, but in a long sleeved shirt that was rough on his skin, and a jacket that looked like it was made out of brown hide. His pants were made out of – leather? He had no idea.

"Alright. I am here. Where to go?" He said to himself. He spread his arms around. Back in New York, it was crawling with monsters, but at least he knew where to go and where to the best ice cream shop was. He bet this place didn't have ice cream. Time to do this the old-fashioned way, He thought. He looked at the map. It was a map of a land with oceans to the west, and a sea of – run? He said out loud. He looked above that. He read, "Erebor. The lonely mountain. Huh." So that's where he was suppose to go. The owl pendant he forgot about blazed with a light so bright he shielded his eyes from it. It then levitated in the air, spreading it's wooden wings. Percy glanced at it. "A wooden owl? Athena never ceases to amaze me." The owl hooted angrily, and zipped to him like a bullet. It pecked him viciously between the eyes. "Ack! Stop! Aren't you supposed to help me?" Percy yelled, covering his head as the owl ferociously dive-bombed him. Once the little menace was satisfied with its work, it settled down on a nearby pine tree. "Alright. If you want it this way," Percy grumbled. He summoned a ball of water from the moisture in the air and swiped it at the owl. The wooden figure hooted in protest. He levitated the ball until it came to him, settling gently on the ground in front of Percy. "Ok. Look." He said to the owl. The owl stubbornly looked the other way. Gods, is this what it's like to have children?

"Ok! No worms for you then!" Percy said in a sing-song voice. The owl turned it's head around and hooted. "You want worms? You can have bucketloads of them. All you must do, is to lead me to the lonely mountain."

It seemed to think about this for a few seconds, and then hooted what Percy assumed to be yes. It held out its wings towards Percy. "Oh... What?" Percy said incredulously. It hooted in irritation, and shook it's wings once again. "Oh. Of course. Shake hands with a wooden owl." He spoke. It raised its beak threateningly. "Fine." He muttered. He shook the birds hands. The owl, confirmed that it was getting some worms, decided to keep it's promised and headed in a random direction. It was soon out of sight. Percy ran after it, cursing under his breath. The owl tweeted an approximation of "Keep up, slowpoke!" Percy soon found it again, though. "What a jolly afternoon this is going to be." He complained. The owl zipped towards him and pecked his head once.

A/N: Thanks for reading up to this far!