Butterflies.
Bumping into each other. Fighting butterflies. Fighting each other. Fighting for an answer to why.
Why do I feel butterflies?
Why for this one individual? Why for that one kid? Why now?
Why him?
I dislike him, he dislikes me. He makes fun of me, steps on me, angers me, annoys me. But it's only been a summer. A summer where everything changed. No contact, no words, no messages. No conflict.
People are now watching him, his every move, word, sense. Is he scared? Why does he just look at me now. Like I'm nothing. He barely speaks to me. He's only said my name once to me. Only yesterday was our last conflict.
Why am I caring? Do I- no, I shouldn't. He pushes me off a level of anger and sadness. He pushed it. But not now. He's different.
He looks the same, but he isn't the same. He seems quiet, but only around me. The new students are bees and he's a hive. They surround him. But mainly this girl. They are happy together. He smiles, he laughs, he seems content. I shouldn't care. I don't wanna care. But when I see them together, I feel butterflies. But i'd only be looking at him.
Why.
Why can't I just be normal and stop feeling an attraction to men who have hurt me.
Why?
I could go on naming at least 9 people, just over the past 5 years. I'm only 14. 14 years of trying to figure out why I feel this way for these people. Is it human? Or am I broken? Am I hurt? Am I just waste on the side of the road.
I hate it. I hate all of it, because I know how much this is gonna hurt later. And i'm tired of feeling this pain.
Why do I feel butterflies for him? Why now?
Why, for him?
