I always try so hard to keep my emotions under control but it seems as if every time he's near me I just can't help it.
he is the only one i can be around physically and not feel as if everything i do is being scrutinized.
i feel so helpless right now. i thought i'd have some sort of chance but when my friend had showed me those messages i just broke.
i know he won't ever be mine but i can't help but wish for him.
he always says he doesn't think anyone would ever want him and i feel so useless. he knows i like him but i guess what i say to him never mattered.
i thought i was done feeling like this about guys but it's so hard and they have such power over my mental state.
I always tell him what i feel about a situation and i always look to him for guidance cause i struggle with guiding myself.
I'm so stupid! how could i do this.
after my ex i vowed i wouldn't look for other guys but it just happened and in the beginning i thought maybe he felt the same but i was wrong.
i am the worst. i always put myself into situations like this.
I really hope at some point he sees me in a different light.
actually, i take that back. the only other light someone could see me in is when I'm pissed and i decide to actually show people I'm pissed.
I'm not someone who will tel people how i feel but with him i feel like i can and he'll actually help me get through everything.
i make myself sad when i write this but without it i think I'd completely break.
i need these emotions out there but at the same time i don't want them out there cause people will be able to see my weakness and they could use it against me.
i should'nt write anymore. i feel like breaking. i just want to be close to him and help him but i think he will only see me as the girl who likes him and the girl who is trying to get with him and i'm not. i just want to see him happy and i'm not getting a chance.
anyways that's all for today. it felt good writing again but i don't know how often i'm going to write. i seem to have a lot of writers block lately.