love. a strong word.

chapter 2

(the next day)
that was one of the most shit days ive had. it was a good day too though, cant complain. i showed them around my apartment. ive always love dogs and cats. just never had one.

my apartment isnt big, neither is it small for me either. i live by myself and its totally okay. my families house is kind of far, there lives my mom, dad, and younger brother. they live in nottingham. i take trains to get there once in a while.

my apartment has 2 bedrooms. one for me, and a guest one for where my older sister or brother sleeps once in a while. they love coming to my apartment. everytime one of them comes, we usually go to the beach and walk around. it's really fun. my apartment is pretty modern. it has everything i need so i really cant complain.

my brother is 11 and my sister is 23. shes sweet. we have a good relationship.
i love my parents too. they never come to visit me because they make some dumb excuses like, "my legs hurt," and stupid shit like that. i know theyre just tired but i wish they could come to me instead of me going to them. it's whatever tho. i still see them once in a while.

my brother, atlas, always talks about these minecraft guys, but i never listen. its something about this thing called dream smp? and he always tells me about mcc. again, i dont really listen. i kind of do but not really. all i know is its something about minecraft games? i think. im not sure.
atlas isnt a very happy kid. he barley has any friends and he hates school. once you get to know the kid, hes so sweet and kind. he plays on his pc a lot that i got him for christmas last year. thats the only time i saw him happy... well, other then when i take him to the arcade and the palace pier.

my sister, kenzie, has a friend named niki. shes super sweet and i really like her. shes been friends with my sister for years. my sister lives in nottingham but she doesnt live with our parents. shes a nurse. shes what my parents always wanted me to be but something i never wanted to become. i wanted to be on broadway. and ive been in several ballet shows. one being the nutcracker. its crazy expensive but shows we do pay really good.

my parents also are really supportive. they payed for my dance. theyre really sweet sometimes but they made rude comments. they also argued a lot when i was a kid. they never broke up but we always went to sleep mad or sad. it doesnt matter anymore. i moved out, ive started my life without arguing. im scared for atlas though. i want him to grow up not like i did. i want him to be happy without our parents fighting right infront of him. like they did with me and my sister.

i got a school counselling at the age of 11. my parents never knew. no one ever told them, they would make it into and arguement.
i had terrible grades because my mental health. my math teacher noticed, but they never seemed to. i always got told that i should tell my parents. did i? no. i was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ed, at the age of 14. my sister knew, no one else did. i got pills for both but refused to take them.
i was in terrible shape mentally. physically i was fine! i did dance and i was in shape! granola bar here and there the usual. mentally, not so much.

at 15 i was loosing the game. whatever this game is. i have lost myself. i went to dance because it was the only thing that kept me going. i skipped school here and there too, plus i never brushed my teeth.
never.
i brushed my hair for dance but thats the only time i got up in the day. my parents would yell at me for being like this but i stopped caring. i went thru the 5 stages of grief.
denial
anger
barganing
depression
and acceptance

i accepted meaning i stopped caring. i shouldve gave up. my sister helped me thru it, start to end. thats why i never ever did it. i self harmed. all over my hip and thigh. i couldnt on my arm because of dance. i was terrible and i hated myself like this.

i also always hated mirrors. theyre everywhere. all i see in mirrors is myself, my dumbass self. theyre in dance, in my parents house, in stores, everywhere. i hate them with my heart.

i used bad coping mechanisms, always. i never did different at the time.
a bit after, i started making bracelets. even if they were ugly. if they were ugly i wouldnt wear them but i made some good ones. i never sold them. i just had them for whenever i was stressed. i would put some music on and start making away. sometimes i would watch movies, etc. it really depended on how i was.

tommy
Hey how you doing?

me
not bad thanks for asking
do you live near me?

tommy
Yeah not that far from your place
Maybe 10 minutes away?
Wilbur lives pretty far. He come once in a while. He does have an office close though lol

me
thats good
hey so im going to sound like a crazy woman but do you want to hang out rn?
i dont have work today
its totally fine if u dont want to

tommy
Yeah sure! I can go to your house and we can go somewhere?

me
yeah sure
see u soon
appartement 69 if u forgot

tommy
How did you get to lucky with that!? Thats insane
See you soon
I'll be there in 15

i stay on my phone in bed for another 6 minutes until i put my phone down and start getting ready. ive always hated makeup. why? i dont know just always hated it. i have to use god knows how much for dance and it drives me insane. ive only used mascara. thats the only exception.

i get long comfy shorts from aritzia and a hoodie that matches. i brush my hair and grab a hair tie until i here a knock.
"hey tommy come in! im not done getting ready so sorry about that," we exchange hugs and he walks inside. he takes off his shoes! what a gentleman.