love. a strong word.

chapter 29

tw suicide attempt (sorry kinda spoiled it)

i grabbed a little food earlier. did i eat all of it? no but i ate a bit of if.
we also went to starbucks after which i got a drink and a cake pop but theyre so expensive for no reason like theyre just cake pops are they not?
i did finish the cake pop and got a high five from will. i hate when people do that but it did give me encouragement.

theres just something in my brain thats telling me im not enough and that no one wants me. im no ones first choice. its like im not here. i really hate myself for everything.

after dinner we go straight to sleep. i do put my headphones on and just listen.
one thing on my playlist is gilded lily by cults and it just feels so me. do even deserve to do the things i do? around 12:50 i decide to leave the house. maybe just a walk? i know a bridge near here.
i go downstairs, hoping not to make a sound going down. i put my hood up and put an airpod in my ear until i hear something,
"hey where are you going?" someone asks.
"just going on a walk. i'll be fine," i put the other airpod in and feel them grab my arm.
"where are you going?" i turn around to see will. oh for fuck sake of course hes up right now.

"i said im going on a walk. i told you i'll be safe," i say. he lets go of my arm and i leave the house. i turn my phone on and start my playlist.

as i get to the bridge around 1:05 and it great. kinda chilly but not even that bad.
i find a spot where theres no rail and i just hang my legs on the edge.
is it worth it to live? do i even matter? why am i just a no one. i cant do anything simple. i cant please. why am i like this?
i take my airpods out and hear the loud crashing of the waves. i sit for 30 minutes just observing.
"hey can you maybe back up?" i hear someone behind me.
"piss off!" i just look over the edge and the long way down.
"can we talk about this?" they are getting closer.
"can you just fuck off? back up. im not going to fucking tell you again!" now im yelling.
"okay! calm dow-"
"dont tell me to fucking calm down! are you out of your mind? fuck off and go away!" i yell. voice cracking with pure anger.
"y/n its will," he says calmly. will? wilbur?
"can you please back up?" he asks. my eyes are watering and i can hear his footsteps come closer.
"dont get close to me please," my voice breaks.
"okay i wont. wanna talk about this?" he asks.
"please just leave. just go!" my eyes now not taking it and i just break down quietly.
"im not leaving until you get off the ledge. please just dont jump. we need you. know it or not we need you. we love you!"
"please just go-"
"we care about you. a lot of people do. you have a bright future. i want you to be there for everyone to know. we need you," i look back to see him really close to me.
i just look down in tears.
i scoot forward.

a strong grip grabs my arms. i try to fight but i physically cant.
i fall back into his arms. i physically just cant do anything but cry. he grabs my stomach and holds me. i hear his breathing is really unsteady and shaky.
"i cant loose you y/n. no one can." we sit there in silence, the few cars zooming by, the wind singing, hitting the trees.
"we need to go back," he stands up still holding me, making sure i dont just run.

we walk back with his arm around my shoulder in a friendly way, him on the road side/outside and me on the inside.
we walk in a comfortable silence the whole time.
"can you tell no one about this?" i ask, my voice dead.
"it depends. you have to tell them. they are your friends. theyre not going to judge you," he assures me, "and i'll be there if you want me to."

we get back and i just colapse on the couch.
"go to sleep im not leaving your side tonight,"
he goes to the other side of the couch and puts a blanket over me.
"goodnight."

i know hes going to stay here and watch me. i know hes going to be awake when i wake up. i cant escape.

i wake up and see will there on his phone.
"goodmorning!"
"hey goodmorning!" i try to cheer us up. i check my phone to see it being 9. i go on snap to see what i look like and i look like shit. my eyes are red a puffy, dark circles under my eyes, i look dead. i should be dead.