My Notes To You

36 | Gifts

Zayden

Why the fuck did I tell her all that? I didn't mean to say anything like that, especially her name instead of her nickname. It just slipped.

If she doesn't feel the same I shouldn't force it on her.

She's currently walking a few feet behind me, staring at the ground. I should apologize.

But I don't.

The words don't come out.

Why can't I say anything? Just two words are all I need. The "I'm" and the "sorry."

The beach comes into vision and I can see figures huddled up in one area, probably our families. How much time did we even spend gone?

"Zayden can we talk?" I hear a voice from behind me say. I do want to talk, but I'm not in the mood. It's my fault after all, but I still want some space. I shouldn't have rambled like that.

"Aliyia, it's okay you don't have to say anything," I tell her, facing her but not making eye contact. If I looked into her eyes right now I just know I would give in.

"But-" I cut her off, "We can deal with this another time, let's just enjoy Christmas with our families."

She sighs in defeat and picks up the pace of her walking until she's slightly ahead of me. I think I finally got her to drop it. I hope.

But if I'm being completely honest, I'm dying to let her know everything I feel about her. So why do I keep pushing her away? What if what she wants to say is important? Could this partially ruin our friendship? I hope not.

If my brain would just listen to my heart right now, I would grab her and hug the life out of her. Then I'd kiss the shit out of her if I could.

If.

As I approach the family huddled up on a large picnic blanket Lukas gives me a smirk. He probably thinks I won her over or something. Yeah, I fucking wish.

I sit beside him on the picnic blanket as Ali sits beside Tate. Lukas discreetly hits my arm, giving me a "knowingly" look. "Well? Did you win her over dude?" He whispers.

As I said, I fucking wish.

Ignoring him, I grab a chip that's set in a bowl, plopping it into my mouth. The chip's flavor immediately hits my tongue.

Lukas hits my arm again, looking slightly annoyed this time. "Dude, don't ignore me like that," he whispers again.

That definitely was not my intention.

"Sorry man, what'd you say?" I try playing it off cool, plopping another chip into my mouth. "Don't play dumb, Zayden. Did you win her over or not?" He said, his eyes drifting from me to Ali.

I try playing dumb this time. "Who are we talking about?"

Lukas gives me a "are you fucking stupid look" causing me to quietly laugh. "No, I didn't win her over, no big deal though," I respond, shrugging my shoulders, playing cool as if I don't feel like my body is just going to collapse at any second.

"Bro why?" He asks, looking more interested in this than his math homework.

I shrug again, trying my hardest not to lift my head and look at Ali who is probably looking at me right now.

❤︎︎❤︎︎❤︎︎❤︎︎

The beach went by pretty well. I didn't talk to Ali but we did share a few glances and smiles so it didn't look awkward around our families. But it was awkward as shit, and I'm sure some people picked it up.