Meet You at the Dark Side

Chapter 42 - Freedom

Author's Note: Trauma aftermath in this chapter, and then, there's only one more left! :)

~ Amina Gila

They've been together for so long, Obi-Wan almost doesn't remember what it's like to not be constantly with Anakin and Ahsoka. He misses them immediately, even if there are other things to focus on. They're free now, but somehow, his mind still feels like it hasn't accepted it yet.

He used the Dark Side. It may have saved Anakin, and it may have helped them defeat Dooku in the end, but it doesn't change the fact. It doesn't change that he violated everything he ever believed in, everything he was taught against his whole life, everything Qui-Gon taught him.

It didn't make Anakin or Ahsoka evil; it didn't make him 'evil' either... did it? They may not have lost themselves completely, but Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, at least, have unquestionably done things that they'll regret forever. He's done things any true Jedi would never think of doing.

He was helping the Sith. A Sith who was doing serious damage to the galaxy and killed so many people. True, when Obi-Wan gave those speeches and negotiated for Dooku, it may have saved some of the lives of those who would have started fighting, but it also helped him oppress the galaxy longer. And he doesn't know how many people died because of that.

There's Maul and Savage too. It doesn't bother him that they're dead. It's how it happened that does. (Maybe what bothers him most of all is that there's a part of him that's relieved anyway, regardless of how it happened, and that's not the Jedi way.)

Obi-Wan can't deny that he has questions about the Code now, though. He's been thinking about it a lot during all the time that they were imprisoned together, simply because he didn't have anything else to do. It's not wrong – it would be arrogant for him to question the Code in such a manner – but it may not fully work for everyone.

The only thing that kept Obi-Wan from slipping steadily closer to the Dark Side was Anakin, really. He had to stop himself from doing that, because he knew if he did, the kind of effect that could have on him and Ahsoka. They didn't need all of them to Fall.

But at the same time, if not for his attachments, he wouldn't have been considering using the Dark Side in the first place. He couldn't let anything happen to Anakin. He saw enough that one time Dooku was torturing him, and he couldn't let the boy he raised (like his own child, almost) get hurt like that again. He couldn't. And even now, he can't find it in himself to regret that choice.

If he had, Anakin would be... No, he can't think about it. In truth, he can't even imagine it. They've always been together, even if not as much as when Anakin was still his padawan, and Obi-Wan can't imagine a world where that isn't true, especially now.

But that's still what pushed Obi-Wan to start using the Dark Side in the first place. He can see even more clearly now why the Jedi say that attachments are so dangerous. And also if not for that, Anakin wouldn't have been alive to defeat Dooku, and he knows no one else could have.

It's... confusing. It feels as though the Dark Side both helped and hurt them, and he doesn't know where that leaves him. But he knows that after everything they've been through all these months, Obi-Wan can't simply go back to being the Jedi he was before all of this. He can't go back to... that distance he was trying to keep with Anakin, so as not to reinforce their attachment – even if it never seemed to really work.

In truth, all he wants right now is to be with him again. It's ridiculous because they just saw each other earlier this morning, but it feels like he can't focus without his mind promptly wandering back to when he'll be able to see him again. Is he alright? Is Ahsoka alright?