Hey...
Older is playing on repeat...sad songs for sad stories🥲
WARNINGS: mentions of self hate and depression and that stuff, don't read if you don't want to!
I just wrote this in 20 minutes and didn't reread it so there might be typos.
Anyways, enjoy, I guess.
***
When Ashton had left to spent the day recording with the band, you had been happy. Really happy and excited. You had just gotten a new piercing, a new helix piercing and you loved it.
Ashton had loved it, too.
But Ashton didn't know that you validated your self worth on how you look and that glittery things in your ear made you feel pretty, which to you meant being less worthless.
Ashton didn't know how badly you were struggling with mental health issues.
You had never brought it up, because you knew he was mentally affected too, had been since a very young age, and even though he had made great progress you knew that he was still struggling.
And you always felt like you shouldn't add to his problems with your own - much more stupid - ones.
But this day, when Ashton came back home, all excited because he had managed to leave before midnight and was even bringing home Pizza, he found you crying on the living room floor.
Sure, it was a minor thing, just an ear piercing having gotten infected so you had to take it out again and let it heal, but it broke you.
To you that was another proof that you were just ugly. You weren't meant to be pretty. You were ugly.
You didn't even notice Ashton putting the pizza down on the floor and slipping to the floor next to you.
You couldn't even bring yourself to be embarrassed when you felt his arms wrap around you. You didn't have the strength to hide this broken side from him anymore. For the first time in the four months you had been dating he was now seeing that broken scared side of you.
"Oh, Y/N", he whispered, wrapping his arms tighter around you.
You wanted to apologize, say that you were sorry and that you were fine and just overreacting and that he didn't have to worry but you didn't have the strength to do that.
You couldn't even hold yourself upright anymore, limply falling against his chest.
That was how you sat for the next twenty minutes. Crying and sobbing and shaking in his arms.
When your sobs started to get a little quieter, although the tears didn't stop their marathon down your cheeks, Ashton noticed your clenched fist.
His hand slid down your arm, enveloping your smaller hand.
"What've you got there, hm, love?"
Your breath stuttered, shaking worse than before and you tried to hide your face in his neck.
When he slowly unclenched your fist, you looked up at him for the first time that night. His eyes were focussed on the tiny glittery object in your now open palm and a sad expression washed over his face for a second.
"It - it got i- infected and my ear was sw - swelling up, so I had t- to take it out and - Ashton, I validate myself through how much jewelery I can wear", you immediately started sobbing heavily again after finally having said something. Now he knew that you weren't as okay as you always acted, that you weren't strong, that you were weak -
"I know"
You looked up in confusion, only seeing blurry lines that made up his face.
"Well, I didn't know", he softly stroked over your hair and you wanted to scream at him that he shouldn't touch you like this because you didn't deserve it, "But I was suspecting something like this."
You opened your mouth to answer, but you had no idea what to say, so you just cried more.
"I know what it feels like, baby, I can see that you're broken. And it's okay."
You shook your head. No, it wasn't okay, you shouldn't freak out like this over a stupid little piercing not having worked out.
"Yes, it is, Y/N", the sentence didn't leave room for discussion, but his voice was incredibly soft and supporting. Enveloping you like his strong warm arms still were.
"But I-"
"You need help", he whispered.
More sobs left your mouth. Yes, you needed help. You needed Ashton. You couldn't live with all this pain and hate in yourself alone anymore, it was getting too much to keep fighting it.
It was as if Ashton had read your mind or maybe it was just his lyrical mind speaking, but he held you even closer and whispered: "I'll be your army to fight this."
"But I-"
"You already are my army, Y/N. And you need me to be yours and I will be yours."
He kissed your still red and slightly burning ear.
"I love you no matter how much shiny stuff you can fit on your ear, to me you shine by being yourself."
"But I -"
"And that's okay", he knew that you had wanted to say that even though he loved you, you didn't love yourself, "It's not an easy journey to get there, but I'll help you walk the path to get to it one day."
"You're too good for me, Ash", it was merely a whisper, but he heard it.
"No", he kissed your messy hair that you had pulled out of your ponytail while you had been crying on the floor, "But I am the first one that treats you the way you deserve to be treated, babe. And I won't stop, not until you see what I see and even then I won't. I promise."
"Promise?", Ashton only ever promised things he woud without any doubt do, everyone knew that.
"Yes, promise. Now let's get those tears washed off, yea?"
