We Are Dreamers

Entry One: Florence Pugh

⚠️ Caution: There are thoughts about unaliving oneself and hateful comments directed towards oneself. Please don't read if this bothers you.⚠️

×~I Believe In Us~×

Days like today are always the hardest. And you knew, when you opened your eyes and felt that tickle of anxiety surrounding your mind that it wasn't going to be easy for you. Your body moves without your consent and now you lay on your back, arms outstretched and eyes towards the ceiling. The covers resting perfectly over your stomach. Once you were settled, the thoughts began to form.

You're not good enough.

She'll leave, just like the rest.

They always leave.

You're not pretty enough.

You're delusional if you think she'll stay with you.

Your friends are just using you.

You should just drive into oncoming traffic.

Do yourself a favor and end it all.

She's better off without you.

You're holding her back.

You should not exist anymore.

You hadn't realized that tears had fallen till the sound of your phone dings, indicating that you have a new text message, and brought you out of your horrid mind. Your head slowly turns to the device and it takes every last muscle to make you reach over and grab the phone. You didn't want to see who it was but you knew eventually you'd have to. You left the tears to dry as you unlocked your phone and found your beautiful girlfriend smiling back at you. Your vision got blurry as the thoughts came back once more. Maybe your mind was right, maybe she did deserve better.

Taking in a deep, shuddery breath, you ignore your thoughts and click on the box with a 4 next to it. The only messages you had were from your mother and your girlfriend.

Mudder💚

Hey baby girl. Just wanted to check on you, haven't talked to you since last week.

Also let me know if you plan on coming to visit for the holidays so i can let your aunt know.

And don't forget you're making me tamales this year too! 😊 I love you kiddo.

The tears came back as you thought about what your mother would do if you did off yourself. She'd be beside herself. You knew she'd be lost. You were her first born after all. And it's never easy for a parent to bury their child, the parents are supposed to go first - not the child. With a heavy sigh, you could feel the weight of feeling overwhelmed settle on your chest, and quickly click out of your mothers messages to check on the other.

You held your breath for this one.

💙Mi Amor🧡

Good morning, my darling. Just wanted to apologize for leaving early this morning without waking you up. I was running late. But I did offer you kisses. Your nose scrunch is so cute! 🥰

That feeling you felt lifted, if only slightly, as you reread the message over and over again. You had to admit that your girlfriend did help ease your anxiety. But on days like this one, it was nearly impossible for her to help in any way. Because you're so stuck in your mind that you can't believe a word anyone says. You decide to text back so she doesn't worry.