LUNA'S REVIEWS

Mademoiselle Noire

Title: Mademoiselle Noire
Author: Borbityborb
Genre: Dark Fantasy

This book was interesting to start to say the least! The first few chapters were, anyway. Again, fantasy isn't something I'm entirely familiar with, but hats off for being so creative!

Grammar/Punctuation: I didn't notice too many errors, but there are some edits to make here and there. The most consistent grammatical error I noticed was your use of past and present tense. There were times in which it would switch back and forth. I personally feel like past tense flows better, but that's just me. Do whatever works best for you, just make sure you're staying consistent! I would also recommend using google docs and/or reedsy and let those do the proofreading for you.

The first problem I noticed was the first line of your summary. You wrote, "A Rapunzel with hair that kills every living being." Yes, it does get your point across, but it's not a sentence. What about a Rapunzel with hair that kills every living being? It's an easy fix, though.

Instead, I would advise writing something along the lines of, "There once was a Rapunzel with hair that killed every living being."

I also want to point out that the colon placed in the summary should be replaced with a comma instead.

Another couple problems I noticed were in the first chapter. You wrote within the first few paragraphs, "He thought, 'My starving has deluded me, and this is an illusion.'"

Instead, try rewriting it as something like, "'My starvation has deluded me,' he thought, 'and this is an illusioin.'" That fixes the inconsistent use of tense and makes it much easier to read.

The last issue I want to point out is the use of parentheses later on in the first chapter. You have written, "Maelle tied his horse to a tree (near a thick patch of grass, so he could eat.)"

There's no need for the parentheses here. Yes, they are used to provide additional information, but it's usually more as a side note. In this instance I feel like these are details that only enhance the current setting that Maelle is in. I feel like it would flow better written as it is without the parentheses. Something like, "Maelle tied his horse to a tree, making sure they were near a thick patch of grass so that it could eat."

Obviously these are just my personal suggestions though, so do what you want!

Title/Summary: The title is great and does exactly what it's supposed to! Obviously the story is centered around this character, so it makes total sense.

I do really like the summary too! It's short, sweet, and leaves the reader with lots of curiosity. Again, I would double check your grammar as I previously stated, but I really like the information that's provided here. I really have no recommendations in that aspect. Great work!

Plot/Character Development: I know plot and pacing were your main concerns, but I personally feel like they're fine. The pacing is actually perfect in the first few chapters that I read. It's not too slow that it's boring, but it doesn't happen too quick either. Great job on that! The plot itself is intriguing as well, as you've done a great job at turning Mademoiselle Noire into this mysterious character with lots of secrets, as well as introducing a secret entrance, which tells me this will somehow be a part of the climax. Well done in piquing your readers' curiosity!

I will say I am unfortunately disappointed in Maelle's character. By the end of the third chapter, I felt like I knew more about Mademoiselle Noire, or Cendre, than him. Yes, he is a knight sent to spy on another kingdom, and clearly has that sense of love and community for his people, but who is he? What motivates him? Does he have any family he left back home that he can't wait to return to? Does he have any kind of love interest to return to? Or does he have no one but himself, and that's why it was easy for him to go on this journey? These were just some questions I had personally because it was very difficult for me to like his character. It feels like there's nothing about him to like, and maybe that's your intention, but it didn't seem like that was the point.

That being said, I love Cendre's character, and it's obvious to me that you do, too. There was a lot of careful effort into making her this mysterious creature with so much power, and I adore the way she cares about life. It's such an interesting contrast, that she's locked away for life because of her ability to cause death and destruction, and yet she so obviously cares about even the smallest form of life. It really makes the reader wonder what the true evil is.

I really loved reading the part of her diary entry at the end of the first chapter, where she's written, "But things here and there keep my dreary life colorful. Like the fact that death can be so very comforting, if one only lets me show it."

There's so much to unpack there! We haven't met her character at that point and already the reader can infer that she actually might appreciate her ability to kill so easily, for there is something so comforting about death and darkness. And, after all, there cannot be life without death, just as there cannot be light without darkness.

OVERALL: It's a very interesting twist on Rapunzel, that's for sure! I think you're a very creative author and I hope that you keep up the wonderful work. I wish you the best of luck in all your writing!