Hetty and Ryan: Overcome

Dance It Out

An hour later, they were dancing like teenagers in the middle of Stephanie's living room with Lady Gaga blasting on the speakers.

"Is he still hot?" shouted Steph.

"Oh my freaking God! He looks exactly the same, magnified by twenty."

"Oh my!" giggled Steph.

"How old would he be now, though?" asked Steph, her brow furrowed as if she were thinking hard about this puzzling question.

"Three years older than me - the same as before," replied Hetty, cracking up. The whole reason for their tortured, forbidden relationship in high school was due to the fact that he was a senior while she was a freshman, which Hetty's parents didn't approve of.

Steph slammed her hand exaggeratedly into her forehead, then fell onto the sofa laughing.

"You've had enough to drink!" yelled Hetty, jumping around the room with such a carefree spirit that she barely recognized herself.

"Mateo said we could drink as much as we want!" countered Steph very loudly, in mock indignance.

"Oh, that's right!" laughed Hetty, grabbing her wine glass.

"I wonder why he's still single though," pondered Steph. "Twenty-six."

"I have no idea. His personality is the same, too," Hetty admitted, not able to contain a smile bursting from her lips.

Steph had always been fond of Ryan. The love between him and Hetty had been intense and undeniable.

Until tonight, she hadn't necessarily had any doubts about Hetty's decision to marry Cooper. They had been together for a year-and-a-half. Their relationship was sweet and solid. Cooper treated her well, and Hetty was free to be herself around him.

"Are you sure about marrying Cooper?" Steph asked. Hetty inhaled a sharp breath of air, shocked by this question, and plopped down on the sofa next to Stephanie.

"I was sure. I didn't have any particular doubts."

"And now you do?"

"No!" Hetty covered her face with her hands, wanting to disappear into the oblivion of alcoholic numbness that was quickly overtaking her brain, but unfortunately she was just sober enough still to attend to this conversation.

"I don't know anything," she groaned in agony. "I have no reason to have any doubts about Cooper. Ryan's not real."

Steph squinted her eyes at her friend. "Not real? What do you mean?"

"It's not real... it's not a real possibility. I'm engaged to Cooper. We have a life together. We live together. There's no logical reason why I would just up and throw all that out the window. I don't even know Ryan - not as an adult."

She shoved a knowing deep down into the pit of her stomach - the knowing that she did, indeed, know Ryan. Despite all the tension and awkwardness and careful restraint, she had had more deep conversations with Ryan over the past two weeks than she had with Cooper. She loved everything she knew about him.

"Logical," Steph echoed Hetty's choice of words back to her. "Nothing was logical the first time around with him. You once lied to your mother and drove with him to a deserted field to make out. That's not a decision freshman Hetty Calloway would ever make from a place of logic."

Hetty giggled, breaking momentarily from the seriousness of the conversation.

"I cannot believe I ever did that." Steph also giggled through pursed lips, shaking her head.

"That kiss was so hot," Hetty said with faint words that floated silently into the chaotic atmosphere of tingling alcohol and blasting music, vaporizing almost as if she hadn't meant to say them aloud.

Steph grabbed Hetty emphatically by the shoulders and poured her dark brown eyes into her best friend's.

Hetty's head was about to combust from too many thoughts that she couldn't logically sort out in her current state of mind. So she gulped back the rest of her wine and leapt up, tugging Steph along with her. They continued jumping around to "Just Dance" like wild teenagers.

Hetty had the impression that she should feel heavy, weighted down by her problems. But she felt inexplicably light, her feet ricocheting off the floor with each hop, body buoyant as a balloon. 

"My emotions are all over the place," blurted Hetty. "When I'm with Cooper, my life feels familiar, you know?"

Apparently realizing they had fallen back into serious conversation, Stephanie sat down once more on the couch in contemplation.

"Do you feel the same way about Cooper as you do about Ryan?"

"I didn't ever think I was supposed to. You can't feel the same way about two different people. I... I can't compare my feelings for them. Besides, Ryan and I... That's not real."

The music cut just as Steph said, "It was real, though."

Hetty collapsed onto the sofa, practically landing in Steph's lap. This time, Hetty grasped her friend's shoulders and stared intently into her eyes, half-serious and half-jesting.

"So what do I do?" she implored, squeezing Steph's shoulders and gently shaking her.

Steph laughed briefly before her face fell into a serious expression. She paused to think. Her brain was floating in alcohol, and she hadn't planned on offering advice tonight.

"I don't think you need to make any decisions right now. Obviously, you don't want to cross any lines that would jeopardize your relationship with Cooper - that wouldn't be fair to him. But, why don't you just give it some time? See how you feel in a few weeks."

Hetty squinted, feeling confused, though she didn't know why at first.

"What decision am I making?"

"What?"

"What's there to decide exactly?"

"Um, I mean... Hetty, you obviously still have intense feelings for Ryan. Or, at least, your feelings have resurfaced. Whether they settle down and go away, or get stronger... I guess you'll see with time. You're not married yet, right? Look, you can't help how you feel. So maybe instead of shutting down your feelings, just let them be... see where they take you?"

Hetty felt a happy, feverish, alcohol-drenched lump in her throat. She didn't know what kind of advice she was expecting to receive, but this wasn't it. In her straight-laced, do-gooder, "be perfect" mind, she could only perceive the situation in terms of how she was breaking a moral code. Having feelings for someone else while she was engaged was, objectively, "wrong."

You can't help how you feel.

Permission to feel. It was surprisingly liberating. Exhilarating.