A Wanted Submissive

24

A/n: Trigger warning.

I hated myself. I hated myself and I couldn't help the very thing for which I hated myself.

Stupid as it was I'd found myself focusing on Gabriel's assignments that gradually got more and more complicated instead of focusing on my classes. Instead of sitting and talking to my best friend at lunch.

Instead of simply telling the damn infuriating man that he was ridiculous and draining and that I couldn't take it anymore.

Right now I found myself standing outside his room while he is read through my work. I felt anxious which made me hate myself more. I couldn't see the wall I was staring at as I felt the anxiety mix with pride and excitement.

I knew I did well and I wanted him to see it. This only made me despise myself as the seconds ticked by and then suddenly as the walls I couldn't see closed in, his door opened.

"Rian..." I hadn't reacted to him exiting the room, the emotional storm inside me was so paralysing but my name made me look at him.

My heart stopped and fear so complete and all consuming took me and froze me in a completely different manner. His features where empty. Empty like they only got when bad, bad things where going to happen.

Then he took out a gun and everything went dark. If you had told me me in that moment that I'd fainted I would have had no problem believing you. I hadn't fainted though.

It's like I went into autopilot and I watched his lips form words I didn't understand or hear.

Suddenly his gun was in my hands and I was showing him that I did know how to check if it was loaded and how to take the safety off. Suddenly we were in a car and going some place.

Nothing registered though, not really, not enough to penetrate the sound of my heartbeat in my ears. I didn't see the road or anything else, nothing was real but fear that shocked me.

I was in two places in that moment. In the car here with Gabriel and also somewhere far away in a house who knows where suffering and unable to stop smelling death on my skin and under my fingernails. I was resisting the urge to rip off my own skin and I was slowly loosing the little grip I had on my sanity.

The car stopped and suddenly we were walking.

Gabriel's face simply sunk deeper and deeper into emotionless depths. We had gone to his work place but I didn't know where we were going or what we were doing because we weren't going to his office.

Before I understood anything he was basically pulling a door off it's very hinges. The man behind the desk froze immediately and Gabriel was so calm.

He never falteredd he just kept walking until he too was behind the man's desk. He took a fistful of the man's hair and proceeded to smash the man's head into his desk in one fluid movement.

Everything began to feel like it was happening in soundless picture frames that were disjointed in strange yet similar ways.

The man's head came up and there was fear in his eyes, blood gushing theatrically into his mouth from his broken nose and staining his teeth mostly of it slowly drip drip dripping off his chin.

Next frame, Gabriel is dragging him somewhere but he isn't fighting and slowly, … terrifyingly the man's face goes white and empty.

The people who we passed made a point of not seeing us and I wondered what I might have brought to this disturbing picture. I wondered if these people were pretending not see a victim in me. Or was it that I was a monster they weren't acknowledging? Beyond that though my mind was too far gone to register that I was even truly here.

Next frame, in the parking lot Gabriel painted the back window with this man's face. I counted six times he smashed the man's head against the car over and over. Something in me vaguely wondered if he could even breath through such a thoroughly broken nose.

The man was thrown into the backseat and we all drove in silence.

Next frame, we were deep in an open field all three of us in different stages of emptiness when the man was brought to his knees.

Gabriel grabbed my chin and made me look at him and suddenly the static lifted and I was here again. I blinked at the suddenness of the switch.

He said, "shoot him."

The wheat field brushed against us all and I did not move. He let go of my face and stood back.

Next frame, I felt the weight of the gun in my hand for the first time. I realised I was shaking for the first time. I pointed the gun at the man's head.

I was terrified and yet I still said, "Gabriel please…"

I couldn't do it. I kept thinking thinking the words over and over. I just can't…

I didn't recognise my own voice when I spoke but I did notice the sound of a safety being taken off a gun behind me, "someone will die in this field today Orian."

The frame went out of focus for what felt like a long time after that. Then I squeezed the trigger ever so lightly as if to test if the gun was really real and suddenly it boomed and kicked back at me. My shoulder took an unexpected hit as the gun jumped.

Then I was the one who had  painted with the man's face. Golden wheat suddenly turned by a red river.