A Wanted Submissive

25

I felt like I was dissecting myself as I looked into the mirror through silent tears and tried to prepare for bed. I knew I wouldn't sleep though.

I don't think I even wanted to try. The fear of coming face-to-face with that man. The man who I'd killed...

I thought I would be horrified or ashamed, I thought I would hate Gabriel more than I already did more than I ever thought was possible but...

Nothing. I blamed myself somehow. I blamed my mother I blamed him I blamed everyone and everything.

The feelings inside of me mixed and mingled so quickly and so entirely it felt like I was feeling nothing at all. I felt empty through the tears while I washed off the dirt from my face.

The stillness in me began to spread and it was like an abyss that somehow pulled me deeper and deeper.

I looked up at a very high window in the bathroom and climbed the toilet to try to reach it. I made a small leap, my fingers catching on the very edge of the window sill.

I pushed myself up through it. When I landed on the other side I began to walk.

I was wearing house slippers a tank top and tears still freely ran down my cheeks. I didn't know what else to do or what I was doing but I kept walking through the chilly night and couldn't feel the cold.

I didn't know how long I'd been walking but suddenly faint music could be heard and laughter. A party... I turned to the sound and walked in that direction.

I didn't bother to knock when I got to the door I just came in. I found myself surrounded instantly and everyone was happy and having fun as if the world wasn't ending.

Did anyone care that I killed a man today? Did anyone care how much I wanted to be seen to be heard?

It almost felt like everyone was working to purposely not see me. Not see that I was slipping, going deeper and deeper into that abyss all alone.

I didn't put thought into where I was going still I just moved through the bodies, warm and sweaty as they ground up against each other and brushed against me then suddenly as if I'd felt her eyes on me I looked up and saw Journey.

She wasn't looking at me, she was dancing freely with the crowd.

I watched her do this for a time before she looked back at me. Our eyes met for a moment but I looked away and without thinking or feeling anything at all, except for the gentle tug of sinking deeper into nothingness I kept walking.

Eventually I found a quiet room and I was standing in the bathroom.

Something told me she would follow me and sure enough after a few minutes she opened the door to the bathroom in which I stood. I didn't turn to her though, I just watched her through the mirror.

I had no clue what I would say but without thinking I said the only thing that managed to touch the outermost edges of my emptiness.

I said to her after a pause, " lock the door."

I watched as she slowly followed my instructions. Something in her manner told me vaguely that I was bewildering her. Only after hearing the quiet click of the lock did I stop watching her through the mirror and finally looked at her directly.

She looked... tired somehow. Her eyes would whisper it and her perfect exterior will accentuate that whisper ever so slightly.

Having her here now I said the only thing that came to mind I said to her, "I need to ask you for a favour."

And after a long pause of just staring at me she said, "of course."

                                  |§|

"Make yourself comfortable," she said as she began to move things around her guest room, we'd left the party immediately after our talk. I suppose I appreciated that but I also wondered if maybe we should have stayed longer.

Somehow the quiet guest room made her look even more tired.

She continued to speak "the only person besides me who stays here is my older brother who's probably asleep right now. If the grinding chainsaw noises are any indication," she chuckle to myself quietly as she placed blankets on the bed.

She said, once she stopped moving and turned to me with her hands on her hips, "don't worry though, I'll explain everything to him when he wakes up in the morning. I'm sure he won't have a problem with you staying for a bit."

I looked around quietly trying to find my voice, "okay."

I knew this would end badly and I kept telling myself to go back. maybe it's not too late. He won't be angry if you go back maybe he won't even have noticed that you weren't there maybe you can lie and say that you're going to buy something a snack or something.

My feet remained rooted in place and I knew that I would stay for as long as I could even knowing that eventually when he found me I would regret it and she would regret it.

Selfish as it was I watched as she smiled at me kindly and slightly awkward before she left me alone. I made my bed and went to sleep trying not to think of all of the things that would meet me in my dreams.

                               |§|

The following day, Journey and I woke up at about the same time. The sun hadn't yet fully come out and snoring reached us even in the kitchen.

It really did bare shocking resemblance to a rabid chainsaw. After a time of the two of us cooking and talking I realised how easy to like Journey was.

Something about her empathy when she herself seemed to be stressed. I refrained from asking about things with our science teacher.

We moved quickly making breakfast together. When the table was set I turned to ask her if we should wake her brother and in that moment the chainsaw stopped.

Both of us made a face and listen while we sat for breakfast. A door opened and closed somewhere before muffled steps came here.

"What's for breakfa–," I looked up and was face to face with Passion, Gabriel's assistant.

He froze just a moment and then there was horror in his eyes. He didn't appear to notice his sister introducing me.

He interrupted her with a continuous, "no… no… no, no, no, no, no."

His sister looked at him with confusion and might have asked questions if I hadn't awkwardly greeted him.

Immediately he said, "no!"

"Passion!" Journey said.

But he went on as though he hadn't noticed, "don't you dare move."

Then he walked away, telling himself he wasn't ready to die.