Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.- James Neil Hollingworth
CHAPTER #18
Shelby and Jess were having sessions together and then after that individual sessions. Jess went with Sophie and Shelby with Peter. Both of them had gained courage from each other to talk about what had happened with Walt and their hate for a mother that let it happen. Jess was healing quickly, but Shelby was still blocked by the abuse she went through as a street kid. He noticed that in group sessions, when Chris or Scott talked about how they felt about something, Shelby would speak up. So when Chris interrupted Shelby's one on one session, asking to talk to him right after, he had her stay.
"What did you want to talk about Chris?" Peter asked.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand."
Shelby nodded, "and the more you struggle, the more you sink and you can't pull yourself out."
Peter suggested, "when you feel like that stop and assess your situation. Use your brain. Just with real quicksand if you don't use your muscles, you'll get out."
"But sometimes, you still need help," Shelby added.
"Why do you feel like you're in quicksand?" He asked.
Chris sighed. "My stupid dreams. I was getting better... right Shelby?"
The blond nodded, "no more screams in the middle of the night."
"Now I'm dreaming sick twisted things. Scott said they might not be dreams, but memories of something that happened and I blocked it. But then why does it turn me on?"
''It's how our minds cope with what happened to us. It's our brain saying what happened was okay, if we liked it." Shelby replied.
"But I don't want it to have happened, I can't handle that," Chris said with despair.
Shelby was doing Peter's job, without realizing it. "What's the dream about?"
"I'm scared to tell you about the new dream, you'll think I belong in the crazy bin. But, there's a dream about me giving blow jobs to men, friends of the manager that raped me. In the dream, I'm doing it because he took me to a fancy expensive restaurant for lunch. So I owed him he says."
Shelby nodded, "I did things like that too, living on the street. One guy became like my regular. At first he just gave me cash. Then he bought me nice clothes to wear when I did him. Or he'd take me out for food afterward. But I think he felt guilty about what he was doing."
"Girls, those men that did that to you, were in the wrong and they knew it. Shelby you're right, they felt guilty for what they did." Peter explained, trying to make them see it wasn't them. "That's not your burden to carry, it's theirs."
As the session continued, Shelby shared more of the things she had done on the street. Chris would describe something, then she would. They were trading their horror stories. Peter's idea to put them together in the same session was working. They were drawing strength to confess, from each other. He was shocked at how much they revealed. He wondered if at times, they forgot that he was there. Chris finally told them about her disturbing dream. The details made him wonder if Scott was right, that they were memories and not just her mind coping with things. When the session came to an end, both girls were crying. The girls hugged each other and accepted the tissues that Peter held out to them.
"Why did you share this with me today?" Chris asked Shelby.
She shrugged, "maybe I just decided to stop holding on to my pain. Or maybe it's cause my fear wasn't as important as making you see that you're not alone."
Peter smiled, Shelby showed growth. "And I'm always here for you both. You don't drown by falling in, you drown by staying there. Today you two didn't stay there, you moved a few steps towards getting out."
The girls wiped their faces and then opened the door to leave. Chris smiled and looked back. "Sometimes Peter you can be so cheesy."
Daisy was at the door, adding sarcastically, "it's like he gets his lines from a Hallmark Card or one of those books about quotes."
Shelby grinned and hugged Daisy, then went to catch up to Chris who was giggling around the corner. Once they were alone Chris asked, "do you think I'm a pervert?"
"No. Do you think I'm a dirty whore?"
"Of course not. You did what you needed to," Chris said.
"Exactly. So why don't you see that for yourself?" Shelby asked.
"Because my life wasn't on the line. It's not the same."
"I think it is."
