Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.- Unknown
During the investigation into what had happened to Chris, she broke down mentally four or five times. It made the process long, but she didn't give up, because Peter and the Cliff Hangers wouldn't let her. Digging up all of her past, made her relive every moment, every pain. When the nightmares came back, the girls in her dorm pushed their beds together and put their differences aside. All that mattered was getting Chris through it. First she had to explain the abuse inflicted on her from her parents; both physical and mental. Then came the sessions about the sexual assaults and rape. Chris didn't think she had any more tears or emotions left, by the time it was done. Her friends and Peter, were the reasons she didn't let the quicksand swallow her up.
"How do I handle life now?" Chris asked Peter in her one on one session.
"One day at a time, just like you have been since you got here."
"It was a lot easier when only I was carrying all this, when no one knew."
Peter had heard that before. "Really? Why do you think it was easier?"
She tried to answer that, to explain how it had been better, but she couldn't. Chris had to admit that an invisible weight had lifted off her soul, when she had confronted her dad, when she told all. She had stopped letting them win.
"Those secrets, the pain, it no longer controls you. Suffering now is optional. When you made that mental choice to change your life, its hold on you ended. I think you know that."
Chris stopped pacing and turned to look at him. Her mind was processing what Peter had just said. "I know that?" It was a rhetorical question.
Peter stood up and walked until he stood in front of her, waiting for her to comprehend everything.
"I'm going to be okay... not normal, but okay." Chris began to crumple to the ground and Peter caught her in his arms. She clung to him, "thank you for saving me."
"You did all the hard work, just like now, all I did was catch you when you were falling. We show you how to handle life, that's what Mount Horizon is all about."
A big sigh escaped her and she let go of him and stood up. They talked a little longer and then the session was over. Letting go of all that painful baggage, made Chris realize that there was now room for other secrets. For the first time in years, she noticed that she was sexually attracted to some of the Cliff Hangers. It amazed her and scared her. She watched them walk by and felt her heart racing, as desire ran through her veins. Embarrassed she needed an outlet. Through all this drama, she was still training for the marathon.
"Mark do you want to come for a run?"
"Not really, but for you I will."
They stretched after he changed into track pants, then off they ran. It was a brisk pace and he wondered if she was still running from something or to somewhere. He didn't push her to talk, knowing by now that if she needed him, she'd say what was on her mind.
"I'm glad I have this marathon to focus on, so that all the stupid shit in my head shuts up," Chris said suddenly.
"What stupid shit? You mean about your dad and those men, or something else?" Mark asked patiently.
They ran a little while longer, before Chris answered. "Sure that's there, but for the first time in ages, I feel sexual attraction. The problem is who it's towards."
"Who is it?" Mark probed.
Chris sighed, "Shelby and Scott and Peter."
"All three?"
"Yes. Shelby and Scott together, Peter by himself... it doesn't matter, it's all wrong. I'm just a sick freak."
Mark stopped running and so did Chris. He walked towards her and said, "you're not a freak. Those three helped you through some of the roughest mental ordeals ever. Of course you are bonded to them. And it doesn't hurt that Scott and Peter are hot. I mean Scott has sexy abs, is tall and cute. Peter, just watch him punching the bag in the equipment shed. He's one fit man. His arms...." Mark gushed.
Chris smiled and teased, "god you're gay. But exactly. When Peter holds me in his arms I feel safe and desire. I don't want to kiss him or anything, but I like feeling his body against mine.... I don't like older men, but him...."
"I think that's normal Chris. Peter is safe to lust after, because he'll never return that. Same with Shelby and Scott. Be happy that you can even feel any sexual attraction, especially after everything you've been through."
She thought about what he said, how these three had helped her and were safe to fantasize about. Mark was right, she picked the only people other than Mark himself, that she knew would never return her desires. "Thanks Mark, are you just glad that I'm not lusting after you?"
"Honey, I'd be honoured if you lusted after me." He gave her a hug and then they returned to running.
"I'm glad I can talk to you about this, I sure as hell can't tell Peter."
Mark disagreed, "I think you can and I think you should. Be honest or your mind may make this progress turn into something twisted and ugly."
When Chris looked at Mark, her eyes were round in surprise. "What? You think I should tell Peter I'm lusting for him?"
"Not exactly like that, but tell him that your sexual desire has come back and it scares you about who it's put on. Tell him that you think it's because it's safe to like these people, because nothing would ever happen. You don't have to tell him names if you don't want to."
"True... maybe at my next one on one session.... And Mark, thanks for being my shrink today."
Mark laughed, "you've done it for me too. Now let's head back, I'm sick of running."
They jogged back in silence, each with their own thoughts. Chris was sick of running too, but not in the physical sense. She would face her feelings, break them down and figure them out. Mt. Horizon wasn't just a school anymore, this was home.
