17 Last Times

⤹24❁ Decisions

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𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓷𝓪

It's Sunday. The sky is clear and cold-blue, almost as cold as the air that pricks my face the moment I walk out the house.

"Sweet Jesus," Nathan complains about the frostiness, shivering in my dressing gown. "You sure you want to have your coffee out here?"

I let out a laugh, taking a seat on one of the pillows I placed on the front step. "I told you you can stay inside. I just need a few minutes out in the fresh air." Having said that, I let my chest expand as I breathe in with serenity, eyes closed whilst I tilt my head up towards the sun. It's dazzling. I love today's crispness.

The sound of Nathan's teeth banging against one another disturbs the calmness of this peaceful moment. A helpless giggle escapes my mouth.

"Are you sitting down or do you want to go back inside?" I ask politely.

He wraps his fingers tighter around the mug poised in his hands. "I think my balls are going to freeze to the slat if I take a seat."

I almost choke on my coffee, amused. "Then go back inside."

"You sure?" he questions, as if not wanting to disappoint.

"Hundred percent."

"Okay." He leans down and kisses me on the forehead. "I'll make us some breakfast."

I smile at him. "Thank you."

The door opens and closes almost immediately. I return to enjoying the weather. Except for a few cars that pass by, the street is very quiet and empty.

I think about what I discussed with Nathan last night before we went to sleep - the exact thing that has me stuck out here in the cold, allowing myself to have this tranquil moment before I am forced to face my emotions.

Today is the day. I am going to go through my parents' stuff and get rid of what I deem expendable. Just the thought of it makes me nervous. What if I can't discard a single thing?

You can, and you will. After a long time my subconscious makes her reappearance.

The support coming from within me surprises me. A while ago the voice in my head would snicker at me and try to bring me down. I believe its change came along with my own.

I like the new inner me.

~~~~~~~~~~

"What do you want to do with all of these?" Nathan beckons at a mound of bin bags, neatly stuffed with my parents' clothing.

I give a shrug of my shoulders. "Charity? It'd be a shame to let so much go to waste."

He smiles at me. "I agree. It's a lovely idea."

It isn't as lovely in my head. I don't want some random people to inherit the only things that are still stagnant with the smell of my mum's perfume, the days spent in the garage that settled in my dad's flannel shirts, the literal remnants of their presence lingering within the cotton threads. I don't want to give it all away.