The Boy She Saw in the Hospital

chapter 13- grief

JACOB'S POV:

She's gone.

My mother. She's really gone.

Her last words were "forever."

Forever will my love live on for her. Even thought she left me. All alone. In this cruel world. She left me. How can I trust anyone after my own mother left me on this world.

I need to fend for myself now. My grief is immeasurable, but I can't let anyone know that. Especially Valerie.

I mean how will I tell her that I need to move, how will she react? I don't even know how long I'll be gone for. Probably until senior year, right?

I wipe my tears away and I look out the rectangular window of the hospital door. I spot Valerie waiting in the hallway with patience.

I let out a big sigh and take in everything that's happened.

I try my best to avoid looking to my right as my dead mother lays there, peacefully.

I stand up and tell myself to man up. I never had a father figure in my life so I often have to tell this to myself.

I walk out and go towards Valerie.

"Come on, let's go," I say, trying my best to make it seem like nothing's happened.

"What? What happened?" She asks me, eager to know why my tone has changed.

"I said let's go." I say firmly.

She walks up to the room of my late mother.

"No, don't go there!" I shout at her, demanding her to get as far away from there as possible.

She jumps in fright. I really didn't mean to scare her.

However she still saw. She still saw my corpse of a mother laying there silently.

"Jacob, I-" She cuts herself off.

I'm not able to control the ever growing anger that fills inside me.

"What's wrong with you?! Are you that stupid that you can't follow simple instructions?," I yell at her, questioning why she let her curiosity get the better of her. "Maybe the cancer really did affect your brain you dumbass."

Her face dropped. I can tell her heart shattered into a million tiny pieces resembling glass shards as they reflect her emotions.

"Jacob, I know that you're hurt and that you don't mean that." She forces a smile on her face and grabs my hand.

I take my hand away from her in fury.

"Can you stop it with your fake ass smiles?" I say to her. Why am I being so mean? I don't want to but I am, I feel so malicious.

"Look, just know that I'm always here for you, okay?" She says in a warm voice, "Please don't put up those walls and barriers between us again, it'll create so many problems "

"Here's a problem for you, find out how you're getting home," I say, "Because you're not getting a ride from me."

I leave her.

I just leave her there, just like my mother left me. What is wrong with me? Im becoming everything I don't want to be.

I walk down the stairs without looking back as I don't think I could handle seeing the look on her face after I've left her. She must be broken. I was so extremely cruel to her and she just let me be because she knew what happened. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her in my life or in my presence.

I pace towards the hospital doors and pull them open. I take the keys out of my jeans' pocket and struggle unlocking the car door as my hands are so shaky.

Just as I get inside my car I remember that I left the bouquet of white tulips up in the hospital room. I can't go back up there so I  drive.

I just drive and see where my mind takes me. Where my heart takes me.

I end up at the same park where me and Valerie had our stargazing picnic. I smile as I recollect the memories we made there.

The time reads 6:13pm. It's quite dark out considering it's autumn so I can see the stars quite clearly.

I lay on the grass and look at the misty sky in all it's beauty and all it's flaws.

I replay everything that happened in the hospital room and it finally hits me. My mother is really dead.

I cry silently as I realise what's happened. As I realise what I've done and as I realise who I am.

Everyone is someone. There's no denying that. We are present and alive.

Everyone aspires to be someone. Whether it's someone else or a better version of yourself, there's no denying that there's a subconscious need of wanting to better yourself.

I want to be better. I need to be. I can't live a life where I put a barricade up and hide myself. Valerie is right, she always was.

As the final moments of my mother replay in my head, her last words repeat in my mind.

I look at the stars and adore their illuminating elegance.

"The distance between the constellations will never amount to the love I have for you." I whisper to myself.

"Goodbye, mother."

__________
gosh
that's really all i can say
876 words
18/09/22