azaria<3

azaria

I can hide my panic attacks pretty well. I can be having lunch with someone and have a panic attack and they wouldn't know. But I don't usually have panic attacks in public.

I think it was a combination of lack of sleep and fear of failure that caused me to have one in my lecture hall.

I can't get enough air through my lungs. I can't breathe. The need to claw at my throat overwhelms me. I've worked so hard to get to this point. I've went through hell to get myself here. To this school and this class. Yet I barely passed.

If I fail I'll quite literally be kicked off the program. That means I worked the last 4 years for nothing. I can't.

I stand up to walk out of the lecture so I can be in pain alone. When I'm in the empty corridor I sit down against the wall and put my head between my knees.

Breathe.

I start practicing breathing exercises a random woman on the internet told me helps with panic attacks.

"Hey hey you're okay take deep breaths" i feel someone caressing my back. Their voice is muffled and I can't make out who it is.

After what feels like an eternity i take my head out from between my knees and look to my left and see Ravi giving me a small smile.

"You okay?" This is so embarrassing but at least I'm not crying. I'm happy about the small win.

"That was humiliating I'm sorry you had to see that. But thank you for helping me out" I'm too drained to pretend to be happy.

"It's okay don't worry. If you don't mind me asking why are you having a panic attack?"

I grimace. He's probably gonna think I'm weird.

"It's stupid but I failed the last physics exam" I put my hand on my eyes.

Why. Why. Why.

What is wrong with you? Get it together you are not weak.

"Do you want me to help you study for the next one?" I look at him skeptically. what would he be getting out of it?

"Why would you help me? not to be rude or anything"

"tutoring would look amazing on my resume for Columbia" he looks away in embarrassment.

He's using my stupidness to get into his dream university. If I wasn't so offended I'd respect it.

"Wait what was your grade for the exam?" I can't have someone who did worst than me tutor me.

"I got a 100%" omg he's a certified genius.

I don't care that he's exploiting my dumbness I'll take any help I can get.

"Okay when do we start"

"Great how about 5 at the library" okay that gives me more than enough time to get my stupid container from that stupid man.

Every time I think about that man I starting feeling moths in my stomach which is not only embarrassing but kind of pathetic. I'm getting moths from a man who hates me.

"Okay I'll be there" with that Ravi walks down the corridor until he's out of sight.

I feel so drained I can't stay for my other classes. I grab my bag and make my way home.

When I get home the quiet is so loud I pull out my phone to play music. I walk into my room and change into sleep wear. Then go to my medicine cabinet and take 2 sleeping pills. I put an alarm on my phone so I don't over sleep.

Frank Sinatra is playing in the background while i wait for the sleeping pills to kick in.

I close my eyes and Xanders face pops up in my head. Him gripping my throat is what I keep fixating on. More importantly my reaction to the action. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted to feel his hands on me. His hands were so warm and so big every time he touched me I felt my nipples tighten in awareness and I had to clench my thighs.