When I was 3 years old my parents died on their way home from a date night. The driver was drunk and he crashed into them 10 minutes away from home.
I don't miss them because how do you miss something you've never had. But I do mourn what could've been.
I was put up for sale after their death but no one wanted to buy so I was put in a group home.
They don't want to buy black people anymore huh
A few years later a family that couldn't have children decided to foster and I was the chosen one.
My foster parents weren't terrible but they also weren't the best. They were emotionally negligent, is that even a thing? There are some emotions that they were strongly against such as anger and sadness. They hated both emotions because of how humans react to it. They hated tears and they believed anger controlled people.
What they hated most were displays of happiness. They hated hearing laughter and seeing joy more than anything. Isn't that funny? My favorite things were the things they hated most.
The most valuable lesson they ever taught me was "don't trust anyone, it will only makes you vulnerable to betrayal and hurt"
I grew up thinking vulnerability was a weakness. Now that I'm older I realize it takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable with someone you love.
I guess I'm not strong.
When I was little I was a cry baby so you can imagine how it was growing up with emotionless parents. I wasn't allowed to cry and I wasn't the best at hiding things.
The earliest memory I have of them telling me to stop is when I was 6 and crying over losing my stuffed giraffe.
"Crying achieves nothing but making you look weak and we don't allow weak people in this house" Is what they said to me to get me shut up.
They told a 6 year old if it didn't stop crying they would send it back to the government. Laugh out loud.
I often times wonder how it would've been if my parents lived.
My chest feels hollowed out. Is this grief? Mourning what could've been?
These are thoughts that usually make me spiral, so I get up and decide to go on a run to clear my head.
Getting up I go change into a green work out set.
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Once I'm ready, I go to the kitchen and grab my water bottle and put on my Nike running shoes. Since I'm in New York and can't run freely, I have to find a park. Pulling out my google maps i find a park that's 10 minutes away and start walking.
Once I'm there I begin with stretches and put on my rap playlist that mainly consists of Lil Uzi and Durk.
After 1 hour of running and feeling a weight lifted off me. I start making my way home.
When I'm in front of my apartment complex I see a guy holding his shoulder across the street. It's not dark so I can see he's wearing black jeans and a black hoodie. He's leaning against a pole and looks to be in pain.
This could be a sex trafficking tactic
I decide to stay a good 3 feet away just in case this is a sex trafficking tactic. Making my way over and making sure to stay 3 feet away i ask "hey are you okay" the guy looks up at me but I can't make out his face. Now that I'm closer I can see blood on his sweater and I start panicking."omg why's there blood on your arm. Did you get shot?" I ask frantically.
I start pulling my phone out to call an ambulance because this guy is losing a lot of blood and I'm afraid he'll die in the middle of the street.
"Stop"
That single command has me freezing in my spot.
"I need to call an ambulance or you're gonna bleed out. You have family or someone that cares about you or worst you could have a dog that you'll abandon. What if it has separation anxiety-"
"The second that phone starts ringing there's a bullet in your skull" his voice is so cold that fear gnaws at me, begging me to run, to get away as fast as possible , and to never look back.
But I find myself paralyzed and unable to move.
"Okay you said ringing so I can still text right?" I guess fear makes me say stupid things.
The guy is now standing straight and walking towards me and I can't move. Why can't I move? My heart is beating so fast I can hear it in my ears.
My whole body is shaking and it looks like I forgot how to breathe.
"Stop moving towards me I'm not calling anyone so you can't kill me yet" my voice is shaking and I can feel a lump in my throat.
"I need a first aid kit" I can tell...
"I offered to call the ambulance for you" im trying to discretely walk backward and make a run for it while he's talking.
"Stop moving and tell me where you live" the nerve of this guy. what makes him think I'll willingly give away my address. "Im not a idiot I'm not telling my address to a guy who just threatened to put a bullet in my skull"
He pulls something out and pushes it against my stomach and I freeze. Is that his penis? "Buddy I know I'm sexy but I'm not trying do the devils tango with you so if you'd be so kind as to put your penis away I'd be thankful. And if you're horny I'm sure there are prostitutes you could pay but you'd have to do that after you take care of your wound here"
"That's not my penis you fucking dumbass that's my glock and I will fucking shoot if you don't lead me to your house right now" okay that makes a lot more sense.
"Okay I'm a bit of a scaredy cat so I might start crying if you don't put your gun away" I might not be able to cry because of sadness or anything else but I can still cry out of fear. And I'm so scared I'm afraid I'll piss my pants.
"Sweetheart i could care less about your tears i just need you to lead the way" why does he sound so bored. Is threatening me not entertaining enough for him?? Wow I'm offended.
He turns me around so my back is to his front and his gun is on the small of my back nudging me forward.
We cross the street and climb the stairs of my apartment since the elevator is broken. Mystery guy hasn't spoken once but he's still pointing the gun. Oddly enough there's so much heat radiating off of him that it's making me flustered.
Once we reach the 3 floor I take out my key and open the door. I can't hear mina but I'm still mindful not to make any noise in case she's asleep. If we get killed tonight at least she'll die in her sleep.
"My roommate is probably here so you'll need to be quiet"
Translation: make sure to kill me quietly
"I don't fucking care get me the kit" he growls in my ear and dammit his voice is so hot I can feel my heart skip a beat.
His voice sounds so familiar what the hell?
I go into the bathroom and he follows me. I tell him to sit on the toilet and he takes a seat after covering it. I bend down and grab the first aid kit and open it.
"You're gonna have to take off your hoodie" I whisper. Apparently my brain thinks talking in a normal voice will get me killed.
