azaria<3

azaria

I have a hard time staying asleep. I mean falling asleep is no problem but the problem occurs when I have to stay asleep. I can only sleep for 3 hours before i wake up. Then it takes me 1 hour to fall back asleep.

Unfortunately for me I can't fall back asleep tonight. It's 4 am and im so tired my whole body hurts. When im tired like this I usually can't eat without feeling nauseous. And not eating usually leads to not taking my medicine and not taking my medicine usually leads to passing out.

I get up since I've already been awake for 2 hours and it looks like I'm not falling back asleep.

I put a fluffy pink robe over my sleeping shorts and camisole. It's usually cold around this time.

I walk to the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee before I start baking cookies. Baking cookies is the most brainless activity I can do. And not using your brain is the definition of relaxing.

By the time mina walks out of her bedroom I've already made 2 dozen cookies.

I didn't even realize I made that much...

"Hey how long have you been awake?"

I check the oven clock and see it's already 7 am. I-

"1 hour" i lie.

"You're lying" she comes over and leans on the counter next to me.

"I'm not lying and we should talk about that little kiss I walked in on" I wiggle my brows at her.

She looks at me with so much sympathy in her eyes I feel my lungs constrict.

"I know you and I know you've been awake for several hours and I also know you've been pulling all nighters the past 2 days" she does know me and sometimes I wish she didn't. It would make lying to her a 100x easier.

"I'm worried about you. Your eyes are sunken in and you're losing weight" she has tears in her eyes and I hate that I'm the cause of this.

"Ari have you been taking your pills?"

"Yes" i look away because I can't look at her eyes and lie to her. It hurts too much.

"Stop lying to me. Azaria you know this is a form of self harm" her tears drop and it feels like I've been stabbed in the chest.

"No it's not" it can't be. I'm happy. I am not depressed.

"Yes it is"

"You know why I don't take my pills and it's definitely not because I hate myself" I feel nauseous every time I take them and she knows this so why is she spewing this nonsense.

"You only feel nauseous taking them because you can't sleep and you can't sleep because you aren't taking your pills. You will never get better if you don't take them" her voice cracks.

"Hey hey stop crying I'm good I promise" tears hurt my heart too much I can't deal with them.

"Promise me you're going to start taking them again and regularly at that"

in this moment i realize how much my actions affect her. How much I mean to her. Mina is my only family and I'm causing her to suffer.

I can hear my heart crack.

"I promise"

I hope I can keep this promise.

"But I'll start after mid terms" mid terms are in two weeks and I can't risk losing my scholarship.

"Okay but in the mean time you have to start eating nutritious foods. Coffee and energy drinks aren't going to cut it" she's asking for too much now.

Narrowing my eyes on her I tell her "did you forget we don't have a single fruit or vegetable in our fridge" where does she expect me to get healthy food??