Bittersweet - aidan g. imagines

GATES OF HELL

- notes!!

FIVE HARGREEVES | AGE : 16
( ^ ) ANGST, ( ~ ) AU TROPES, ( : ) FLUFF

" AU, in which five grew up in an abusive family, with body image issues, and everything happening around him not making it so much easier."

FEM READER!

ENJOY!!

I left one addiction, got hooked on another. I thought I was fine, figured I was okay because well, "They're only pain killers."

After all I'm basically standing right in front of the gates of hell, everything revolving around me has only put me worst.

The addictions. Somehow made it better. I don't care what happens to me, after all, everything I want is to be dead.

Everyone who cared said, "I'm worried you'll get addicted." Five It's already happening."

I didn't listen. Realization hit me. I stopped, did everything, to keep the awful thoughts out of my brain, but with nothing to numb I'm left drowned.

Whist I drown I smile, I keep my grades no lower than a B and I make sure to be there for people whenever.

Sometimes I'd sit through class wondering if anyone would care if I just died right now, if I just slit my neck open and let myself bleed out.

I'm drained. I stare at my ceiling until I pass out, debating if I should just ignore it all and fall back into it. The urges strong, the urge to take the sharpest knife and cut and cut.

The urge to let myself bleed out while I smile because I'm perfectly fine with letting it all go.

The urge to taste alcohol and a cigarette just because I feel it'll help. I've never thought like this before. Hearing the words, "You'll be okay." Feels like pity, and I sit through life, watching everyone by pass.

Watching others smile and feel genuine. Watching as everyone happily enjoys this thing we call life.

Watching my parents lie to everyone, smiling as they pretend to love me.

Hitting and pinching myself the second I feel like shit because I don't want to go back to self harm. But who cares anymore right?

Like hell, I'd do anything to shoot a bullet right in between my eyes, letting myself drop dead.

I remember the horrid memories from years ago, sitting around knowing that at my old high school there' people spreading rumors saying, "He's a man whore who couldn't keep it in his pants."

The lies chipping small pieces of my life away as I count down the date I'll do it. As I count my remaining days.

I want to die.

I'll do anything to just die. I want more than anything to bleed out on the floor of my bedroom because I'd be free.

I'd be free from everyone's hypocrisy. I'll be free from my parents. Once I'm dead it'll be better than amazing.

I sat on my bedroom floor, door locked, fan sputtering as it became chilly, I stared at the patterns of my socks while I held the razor tightly in my right hand.

Debating if I should do it.

Today is the day. Today is the day I rid myself of my problems. Today is the day I cut open my wrists and let the blood escape my body.

Today's the day I give in.

I look at the bottle of vodka to my left. I open it bringing it to my lips and drinking from the strong beverage. The burning sensation running down my throat.

I smile setting the bottle down, I spun the razor with my index and middle finger and pretty soon I was inching it towards my skin.

My horribly healed skin that still carried my scars. But I didn't care because after today I wouldn't have to deal with my skin.

I begun to cut horizontally, slitting small cuts as blood trickled down my wrist. Reopening my old ones, and wincing but smiling through it.

The razor piercing my skin. I held the razor so firmly and tightly. Pushing it deeply into my arms as the blood stained my cargo pants and floor.

Taking a deep breath I began to cut yet again, making the newly opens ones wider and deeper, the pain giving me a sense of freedom and adrenaline.

I covered my bruises with perfectly made slits. The blood falling so fast that I could hear my heart thumping slowly.

I smile widely as tears burned at my eyes. Partly because of the pain, and partly because I was finally leaving, I was finally leaving this planet. I smile as I weakly dropped my arm, my whole arm covered in blood that continued to overflow.

My wooden floors covered in drops of blood and my trousers stained, I slumped lowly against the bed. My heart rate slowing down.

But I needed to be quick. I wanted to leave faster. I took the bottle into my hand gulping down the alcohol.

My heart beat faded as my eyelids got heavy.

I smiled widely, shutting my eyes tightly as my tears spilled. I knew you could see the blood from under my door way, and I could've sworn I heard Diego's voice.

The sound of my brothers and sister banging at my door. "Five!" Yelled one of them. The other, "I knew something was wrong. But none of you listened!" Yelled Viktor.

The banging continued and I whispered lightly, "I love you guys." Before shutting my eyes collapsing completely.

It was dark. Blurry. I could hear murmur's around me. My eyes weakly twitched for what felt like hours and then I could feel a light.

I slowly opened my eyes, a bright ceiling meeting my eyes, but it wasn't my ceiling it was another. My eyes widened, as I felt tears stain my eyes.

"No. No. No. Why didn't it work!?" I yelled. As I tried to force myself up but my left arm was far to weak.

"Why did they save me? I was ready to leave!" I yelled, as tears stained my cheeks.

I turned to my side, my eyes meeting with the person I'd least expect. "y/n?" I mumbled, as I felt more tears stain my eyes.

"Hey you." She mumbled softly. A smile spread on her lips as she saw me awake. But she soon frowned her eyes tearing up.

She sniffled, turning away and wiping her eyes. "God I thought I had lost you Five." She mumbled softly.

That's when I started to feel selfish and guilty. My whole body aching horribly. How could I even think about doing this?

Why didn't I stop to think about how it could affect her? "y/n- I'm sorry, I just, I couldn't take it anymore." I mumbled weakly.

y/n gulped as she walked towards me, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed.

"Five don't apologize, don't." y/n mumbled as she stared at me with a look so soft. Tears spilled from my eyes and tears spilled from hers too.

She grabbed my right hand, rubbing my knuckles carefully. "I knew you'd come back to me." y/n mumbled in relief.

I looked at her as she tightened her grip on my hand. She gulped adjusting herself so she'd be laying beside me.

Her head burying itself beside mine, as she cried I little more. Her empty hand wrapping around my torso.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled carefully. y/n shook her head slowly. "It's okay Five. Don't be sorry. It's not your fault." She mumbled as she gripped the hospital gown over my chest.

"I'll help you get through this I fucking promise you Five." y/n mumbled and although tears still spilled from my eyes. I couldn't help but feel just a tiny bit better.