Letting You In

Saturday - /5

Once again when I woke up Nick was already up. Today he was just sitting at the desk, leaning over some books. Feels weird to consider we still have homework and assignments, and everything else going on when so much happens in your private life. But despite making me coffee while I used the bathroom, Nick and I didn't spend much time together today. He left early, saying he had work and would study someplace else, meet some friends if they're free. After the door fell shut on him, I realized it was best for us to spend time apart. Both of us had gotten into a weird state where we did and said things not meant to be said. God, I regret my behavior over the weekend. Nick being gone, probably talking about all this, makes me self-conscious. We both needed time to breathe, even if just symbolically.

Nick got home twenty minutes ago. Despite having the keys, he knocked. He refuses to ring the bell. Today he's sitting on the bed. I'm sitting at the desk.

He gave me a croissant, "Don't think you'll get this treatment in the future. Still saying thanks, that's all."

"Thanks", I said, glad about the distraction from my reading.

But Nick sat on the bed, took out his books and laptop, and hasn't said a word since.

"How was your day?", I ask. Put down the highlighters and turn the chair to look at him.

He shuts his book. He fumbles with some hair in his neck. "I met with some teammates."

"Yeah?" I don't know why I say it like that. I don't know why I keep saying weird things. "Did you tell them about me?"

If Nick didn't grin at me, if he didn't have that look in his eyes, my life wouldn't be this tough. We could leave any improper behavior behind. But we don't.

"About you?"

"Yeah, you know; you staying here." It's my weak attempt to make things tense. When did this all even start? When did we become comfortable enough with each other that both of us don't look away? Nick doesn't fumble with his book. I don't pick up a pen to play with it. God, I don't even play with any jewelry.

Nick's grin grows. He moves his laptop and leans forward. I copy his behavior. We're both playing with each other. We need to stop. "I told them where you live. Told them how messy you are. Told them how you look. What you wear. How you sleep. Told them how you look naked."

My heart is pounding, and at last, I twist and turn the ring on my left hand. Still, I keep looking at Nick. We both lean back though. "You haven't even seen me naked yet." For fuck's sake.

Nick swallows. He takes his laptop, his book. He raises an eyebrow. "Yet?"

I swallow, too. "Yet."

Neither of us says anything. We look at each other, stop fidgeting with rings, with book pages. Nick's face isn't lit up anymore. I can't tell if he's concerned, turned on, or confused. I can't tell how he's feeling about everything. The intensity rises, and for a second I don't dare blink, or even breathe.

"Alright, we gotta stop. This,", I randomly swift my arms, not even sure what they're trying to show, "needs to fucking stop. Promise me, whatever we said, or did, or thought in any sexual way, we pretend it never happened. Alright?"

When Nick grabs his cup of water, his sigh sounds relieved. "Agreed. I'm really sorry, I ever, I don't know, caused this? I swear I didn't come here for that."

I nod. "I know. I think, whatever, we just spent too much time with each other. Alone. Like, we need time apart to actually think about what we're doing. And we definitely can't sleep in the same bed anymore."

"Okay, great. Am, anything even close to flirting, we keep it to ourselves. Like, don't say it out loud."

"Why do you gotta make it sound like it's just me?" I don't even notice the undertone.