Letting You In

Storage Room - /1

I close the door behind me. Turn the key and lean my head against the cool wood. The bass is pulsating through the material. I take a deep breath and turn towards the room. I knew it was the storage room. I knew there would be few shelves, and still too many for the room. I knew there was no comfortable seating provided, but I need a break from the music. From the people draining me of my energy by simply being around me and potentially judging me. But my desperate wish to be alone doesn't get fulfilled. Gloomy light shines through the window above the door, and though it doesn't allow me to see much, I do see the guy sitting on the ground looking up at me. It's Nick. Another person I want to escape from. Another person it is exhausting to be around.

"Why are you in here?", I ask. I want to sit down, but I haven't quite decided whether I want to stay. Maybe it would just be best to go home. To leave this room, to leave this apartment, and to spend the rest of the evening at home alone.

"Why are you in here?", Nick asks back. His voice doesn't let through how much my presence disrupts his peace. There is too little light for me to see his facial expression. Maybe he also wants to be alone. Maybe he's happy somebody else is in the room.

Maybe he also knows the sexual connotation of a dark small room and a locked door. "Why did you lock the door?"

I try to ignore the limb in my throat. Neither of us wants to make out. We don't like each other. We don't want to be known as the ones making out in a storage room filled with my brother's childhood items.

"I just need a break, okay?" I didn't mean to make it sound annoyed. I didn't want to let it shine through how exhausted I am, but my voice is shaking anyway. It still breaks towards the end. I start to feel my heartbeat louder than usual, but Nick doesn't say anything. He just nods and leans his head against the shelf.

I bury my hands in my hair. This night really shouldn't be this tough. It's just another party. Just another party, where anxiety overcame me out of the blue. There was no trigger, and yet, I suddenly want nothing else but to escape everything. Want to go home, but also don't want to be alone with my worries. I just want the feeling to go. That's why I locked the door. Because I thought if I'd turn the key, the door might actually shut out this overwhelming feeling. Being instead semi-trapped with Nick doesn't help. I grind my teeth. I imagine my heart beating faster, pounding hard against my rib cage. I place my thumb on my wrist. I feel the blood pumping underneath my skin. I close my eyes, focus on the rhythmical feeling. I know my heart rate is normal, I know it is not beating faster than it should, but I still imagine it. To distract me I take deep breaths, focus on the blood flowing slower than my heart is beating. I'm not panicking. I'm not dying. I'm just overcome by anxiety.

"Are you gonna stand there the entire time, or do you ever plan on sitting down?"

I let go of my wrist. I play with the ring on my finger before I squat down. It bothers me that he saw my anxiety. That he saw me doing stupid things like checking my heartbeat. I lean back against the door. I pull my knees to my chest. To make it more comfortable I gather some fabric and manage to lay most of my leg bare. I know too damn well that Nick could see my underwear if there was more light. I wrap my arms around my knees and block out the sexual connotations of two people of opposite gender being in one tiny room. I close my eyes again. I can feel the bass in the wood again. I hate that my heartbeat seems to equal the rhythm.

"Aren't you supposed to be out there celebrating your brother's birthday?"

I clench my hands into fists before I loosen them again. Instead, I use my thumb to play with the ring on my same hand. "You're his teammate. Shouldn't you be out there celebrating your captain?"

I don't know why I even answered. Why I answered with a question instead of telling him to shut up. I don't feel like talking. I don't want to talk to Nick. I went into this room to escape people.