closer to happiness than i've ever been

from your attic window to your bedroom floor

september 2, 1989

the night breeze carries something sweet into mike's room as summer fades into fall. he's lying on my bare chest with my hands in his pretty dark hair. i twist a lock around my finger and he snuggles closer to my chest. on evenings like this, there's no need for an exchange of words. all we need is each other's company.

except tonight, i really needed to talk to mike about something.

i place my hand on mike's freckled cheek. he looks up at me, his puppy eyes causing me to melt into his sheets. the low light making his features appear even softer and his eyes, darker. every time he looks at me like this, i fall in love all over again. his skin feels warm against mine, soft and so uniquely human. he places a kiss at my upper chest and lays back down, his hair tickling my shoulder.

i can't muster up the courage to start the conversation. i knew how terrified mike was of his parents. there were times where i would hold his shaking form as he mourned over the fact that his parents would never forgive him if they found out about us. although he loves me, he has a difficulty feeling comfortable with himself. all i want is to help him, even if i am not all that secure myself.

we find security in each other. in this bed, it doesn't matter that we are the same gender. nobody is around to care that a boy is holding another boy. at times, the fact that many didn't find our relationship morally acceptable hardly occurred to us. it was only ever when someone else came around that we felt the shame, him more so than i. the comfort we feel around each other has only progressed with time. it's always been this way. since childhood, we would always seek the other out for solace. every time i look into his eyes, it feels like home. warmth floods my system every time i think of it.

"mike," i finally say. he tilts his head back up, those eyes staring back up at me.

"yeah," he says in a soft, raspy voice. i feel his soft breath from his nose across my chest.

"i was talking to robin the other day," i say, gauging his reaction. he grabs my hand, pressing kisses to my knuckles. "and she told me that-" i pause, unsure of how to phrase it to him in a way that would keep him in a way that would keep him calm.

"she told you what, baby." his voice was honey on a sore throat.

"-that she's a lesbian and she understands what we're going through," i say. his eyebrows furrow into a look of concern at the mention of
sexual orientation, although his eyes retain a luster of love. "and that- she felt better when she told a friend." mike's gaze breaks away from mine to ponder what i just said.

"we don't have to if you don't want to-" i reassure. "i just thought we could at least tell someone about us," i continue.

"that would be suicide, will," he dismisses. "once one person knows, so does everyone else," he says, moving to lay on his side, looking at me.

"but jonathan knows, el knows," i state. "what's telling dustin and lucas?"

"it could risk everything," he says, his voice becoming more and more distraught. "what if they don't wanna be our friends anymore. what if they tell everyone."

"mike! baby please- it'll be okay! i swear!" i say trying to calm him. mike sits up, turning his head to look at me.

"but, will! you don't know that!" he says, his voice, a bit too loud. "we just don't know, will." his voice becomes quieter. the darkness obscures his facial expressions, however, the tremble of his voice broke my heart that already aches for him. "i just wanna keep us safe."

i was unsure of a response, i wanted to keep us safe, to keep him safe, however, i feel as though our friends wouldn't hurt us. i sit up, positioning myself in front of him. "mike, do you really think that lucas and dustin and max would care? of all people they would understand!" he looks at me with an unreadable expression. "they know exactly what it's like to be different," i say grasping for mikes hand. he pulls away.