Dépaysement (h.s)

71

Harry Styles

She walked out the door in silence, frustration in each step she took.

I knew what I said would have gotten under her skin, that's why I said it. But her saying absolutely nothing to it caught me off guard a bit.

I think I know why she has been acting so shitty to everyone lately. She's not happy with her life and she doesn't know how or when it will stop. The part that hurts the most is it never truly stops. Having her join was obvious from the start, but what was also obvious is I knew she was going to have a breakdown about it at some point.

I blame myself. If I had kept calling the shots and took more control, she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be suffering internally.

I was hesitant about her joining in the first place because I knew that this life wasn't for her, yet she's here. All because I wanted more.

The guys wanted her to join from the start because she's smart, assertive and gets shit done. They knew she would be a good asset to us. And so did I, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to try everything in my power to keep her away. I made myself despise her in the beginning so that she would stay away and that I wouldn't get hooked, but of course it didn't work because she broke through the barrier I tried to put up, and she did it so easily.

My life before her was sex, drugs and alcohol 24/7. I didn't care about what happened to me since my life was being controlled by someone else that wasn't me. I would purposely step out of line just to get punished, because at least then I would feel something.

My life after her was just her.

She consumes my thoughts daily. Even when I'm with her, she's still all I think about. I never told her this, but a while ago when she got suspicious about me meeting with Luca so much, I was actually just trying to figure out a way to get her away from this life. Away from me. Because I knew if she was away from this life and from me, she'd be safe.

But like everything I try to do, I failed. There's no way out. And selfishly saying this, deep down I don't want her to get an out. I want her all to myself and can't stand the thought of losing her.

But I'm tired of having so many conflicts in my life that I can't control.

My phone has been buzzing for the past hour but I could care less, I grab my keys and wallet and head to my car.

I arrive at Reign after a short drive and can hear the loud bass of the music from the inside of the club out in the lot.

Once I open the doors I'm filled with scents of sweat, alcohol and smoke. Music greets my ears with a buzzing noise from the immediate change of silence to loudness.

My feet bring me to the bar, I rest my elbows atop the bar top and await the lovely bartender to grab my order.

"What can I get ya Harry?" Our new bartender Rachel, who is in her mid thirties and has a infant daughter greets me, "A whiskey please. Thanks Rach."

It surprises me that she works under Luca and here for us, don't get me wrong it's not odd just because she has a child but because she looks nothing like the people we work with. She's a bit too clean, no tattoos or piercings and wears formal outfits. If I didn't know her age I'd think she's younger than me. I don't know why she's here and maybe one day I'll care enough to ask.

She sets my drink in front of me and I gulp it back in only two sips, "Another one."

Her eyebrows arch, "Bad day?"