Mr. Hawkin

Chapter 4

"Okay so, I think I'm gonna have to hitch a ride with you... is that okay?"

Me and Mr.Hawkin are the only two bodies in his room in this twilight zone that is his classroom a mere 2 minutes after the final bell.

"Of course, I had hoped we could ride together."

My heart flutters at the prospect of being alone with him in such an intimate space. Sharing a car with him meant we would only be at most a foot away from each other at any given moment, a setting perfect for an encounter between us. A setting that lends itself to making mistakes that will end up being something beautiful.

We're on the way to his car, and a pit forms in my stomach. I feel oddly uncomfortable with the idea of being with him all of the sudden. I don't want to get him in trouble. I care far too much for him to be the reason something bad happens. I'm keeping all these thoughts to myself to avoid making Mr.Hawkin worry about me any further. We finally make it to his car when the pit in my stomach finally leaves. I can't help but feel the slightest bit guilty as I have seemingly taken advantage of this man that I have come to be quite fond of. I'm quickly pulled out of these thoughts whenever I look over and see Mr. Hawkin. He's looking at me, and in an attempted power move I let out one short question, begging for an answer "What?"

In a one word question, it feels like I've revealed everything I've ever felt about Mr.Hawkin. That one word lets him know that I notice every single thing he does. In a swift and graceful return of the same energy that I didn't quite think would be reciprocated, Mr.Hawkin looks back at me and decides to melt my heart with the phrase "I just like looking at you."

I'm taken over by a swelling of joyous confirmation that I haven't been overthinking the signals I've been receiving. I haven't mistaken the blatant advances. Truthfully I felt far more stupid for even considering that I had been wrong about our feelings, then I could have ever felt about being involved with a grown man. So I sat back, and buckled up, waiting for him to make the next move. He started the car, and made a sudden advance that was far too forward to ignore. He grabbed my hand and held it. The blood immediately started flowing to my face, making me blush harder than I think I've ever blushed before. I held his hand back, and we happily went about our drive towards his house.

Mr.Hawkin's house was nothing like what I had expected. It was a dingy white color on the outside. Cracks ran up and down the rough looking concrete exterior. The lawn out front was dead, with only a suggestion of what thriving plants could have been there previously. I finally was starting to get a bad feeling about agreeing to spend this private time with Mr.Hawkin. It was one thing to relentlessly text each other, but a completely different more gut wrenching thing to be alone with him at a location away from any sense of comfort. The only thing that was even remotely enticing about the place was the bright blue front door, which completely juxtaposed the rundown feeling of the house surrounding it. I looked to this door as a beacon of hope, it made me feel safe in this suddenly very unpredictable environment.

"Okay Sam, I've gotta go in and change, I was planning on working in the garden before we did anything else. Is that okay?"

The notion that this man who I was willing to give up everything for asked me permission before doing something in his own home made me feel oddly, warm and fuzzy inside.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. It's your place, do your thing."

He greets this allowance with a grin, a grin that makes me melt a thousand times over. He makes me feel more relaxed in the center of this whirlwind of discomfort. He got out of the car and let me out of the passenger seat, he took me by the hand and let me into his house. The inside was far more discomforting than the outside. When walking in my senses are immediately violated by the sights and smells of what lies inside of what I can only assume is the living room. A sparsely furnished space, with nothing but a depressed looking futon, and piles of leftovers and trash adorning the scene.

"I'll be right back, take a seat get comfy"

He lets this sentence out without any sort of acknowledgement of the complete disarray in front of me. It puts me at ease for the moment, but after being so deeply entranced with him these past weeks I'm finding it really hard to shake this bad feeling I'm getting in my stomach. I give him a slightly nervous grin as he scampers off into the hallway just off the left side of this shitty living room. This man that I have been relentlessly infatuated with is suddenly grossing me out. It was at this moment that I finally came face to face with the horrific realization of our age gap. Before I can ponder what the sickening difference in when we were born would do for our future, he re-enters, taking all of my immediate attention.

Holy shit. He was so hot. The same dreamy body, same perfectly tanned skin, and the same angular features. The thought of me being anything but attracted to him seems so stupid and pretentious after seeing him. He's shirtless. Again. But something about seeing him like this in person makes me wonder why I had waited this long to allow myself to come over.