Mr. Hawkin

Chapter 8

The days following my brother's second exit were the worst days of my life. I was nothing but belittled, and berated by my parents. They dismissed any attempt to defend myself. My mom for the first time in months, was off pills. She was so consumed by being upset with me that she didn't feel the need to numb herself.

"We almost had him back. Why would you push him Sam?"

"I didn't push him, he got upset when I was being honest about the situation. He looked like a fucking junkie."

"You didn't have to tell him that."

"Then what was I supposed to do mom? You and dad were all about shaming him. UNTIL he actually got home. I missed him, we all did, but we can't ignore the reality of the situation."

"We weren't going to, we had to come up with a plan first."

"Bullshit."

"Just go please, seriously, please just go."

I hated nothing more than having to deal with my parents' ignorance. I still can't quite wrap my head around being blamed for my brother's actions. Then, I saw it. One night, I was going out to my garage to grab a soda. My dad was lurched over a table. Doing a line of coke. He quickly shot up and made direct eye contact with me.

"Don't tell your mom."

I meandered out of the garage moving on without acknowledging what my reality had come to.

Then, in the middle of all of this, Mr.Hawkin remained a beacon of comfort. He kept texting me every night. Our once innocent texts had admittedly turned to something a little more romantic. I'd wake up every morning to texts from him he'd sent in the middle of the night. telling me how handsome, and delicate I was, and reassuring me endlessly of how much he wanted me.

In class the energy was much different, with a certain degree of coldness from him in front of everyone. We were still close, like we were before though. No acknowledgement of the relationship we had created. Our moments together were often a quick squeeze into our lives that felt vapid. An hour or two at his place, or a brief encounter after school in his room. Aside from out texts, the relationship had gotten to a purely sexual point. I was always having to serve him, do whatever he wanted with little to know consideration of what made me feel good. I was beginning to resent the experience, but when he would text me, I felt like the center of his life, the light he needed to continue on. I knew what we had was real whenever he would just text me out of the blue telling me that I was perfect. Or telling me that he couldn't go on without me.

My world changed, flipped upside down, and exploded with merriment. All because of a conversation me and Mr.Hawkin had.

"Can I ask you something crazy?"

"ofc dummy :)"

"I think we need to get married after you graduate."

My heart fluttered, and I felt entranced on the idea of being in his life forever.

"Don't freak out, but I already got a ring....."

He sent me a picture of the most beautiful ring, and plain, but shiny silver band. With Sam engraved on the inside. Holy Shit. I was going to get married to Mr.Hawkin. As soon as graduation.

My dad walked into my room. He saw my phone. He demanded to see who I was texting.

"What the fuck is this."

"It's just texts."

"This is your teacher?"

I let his question linger in the air, before I made my first power play for the favor of Mr.Hawkin.

"If you say anything about me and Mr.Hawkin, I will tell mom about what I saw you doing in the garage."

He just looked at me, unsure of what the next step should be between us. A look of concern, and fear fell onto his face. He handed my phone back to me, and turned to walk out of my room. Before he left, he looked back and just glanced at me. The silence between us built, and there was nothing. He just left. I wish he would've been more upset with me looking back, this was a moment Mr.Hawkin could've been stopped. He could've been nipped in the bud, and unable to make me his own. But, despite my nonverbal plea my dad never did say anything, I never got to tell my mom about him. We never really talked after that anyway.