lost • svt

c. fifteen

tw// mention of k-word, blood and self harm;

[ choi ysha ]

"pathetic." that was the last word i heard before he left. that man is so cruel. is he even a manager? i guess not. i wiped my tears and closes my eyes to calm my self. i'm so tired. i want to rest. what did i do to deserve this kind of treatment? this kind of pain? simula noong mag-umpisa ako sa trabaho ko, walang araw na naging mapayapa ang buhay ko. when i started my career, he was there. he was the first person who managed me, he was my first manager. noong una, maayos pa ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. pero hindi kalaunan ay unti-onti na siyang nagbago. instead of guiding and pushing me on top, he suddenly wanted to bring me down. he always degrade me, hurt me physically, emotionally and mentally. he changed. he's not the hwang jiho i know.

i grabbed my phone on the bedside table and dialed a number. i want to see him. i need him. after a few attempts, he finally answered my call.

"hello, wonwoo? can you come over..? i.. i need some company.." i tried not to cry again. ayokong malaman niya na naiyak ako.

"hello? hello? i'm sorry, hindi kita maintindihan. what are you saying again?" i bit my lips and closed my eyes. wonwoo, please.. kahit ngayon lang oh, kailangan na kailangan kita..

"come over please.. i need—"

"wait, sorry. the director's calling me. talk to you later, okay? i'll call you back," i put my palm over my mouth and prevented myself to sob. hindi ako nakasagot agad dahil bigla na lang nagsituluan ang mga luha ko.

"o-oh, okay.." i ended the call at inihagis ang phone ko sa kama at napasigaw. fuck fuck fuck! i badly need someone who can accompany me right now! napasabunot ako ng buhok ko habang iyak nang iyak. what did i do to experience this? i just want this to be done. i want this to be done.

nanginginig akong tumayo at dahan-dahang tumungo sa banyo. i stumbled upon looking for something but still managed to get it. i got a glimpse of myself in the mirror pa kaya inayos ko ang sarili ko bago ngumiti.

"let's get this done, shall we?" i grinned to myself and giggled. not long after until i glared at my reflection.

"such a pity. no one cares for you," huli kong sinabi sa repleksyon ko bago dahan-dahang sumampa sa bath tub at umupo. i raised the thing i get at pinagmasdan ito. i tried touching the edge of it with my finger na agad namang nagkasugat. i smiled before trying it to my wrist. one cut, two cuts, three cuts. i saw blood dripping down my wrist but i don't feel any pain but the pain inside my heart. four cuts, five, six and more. i felt satisfied by doing this. i want more. a smile formed from my lips as i saw more blood runs down my wrist. the more i bled, the more tears i shed. sobrang sakit. hindi sa ginagawa ko kundi 'yung bigat ng nararamdaman ko simula pa noon. i felt my eyelids getting heavier every seconds. nandidilim na rin ang paningin ko kasabay nang pag-ikot ng paningin ko. i can't do this anymore. i will end my suffering here. i'm sorry..

agad akong napamulat ng mata at napaupo while clutching my chest to get some air. what the fuck was that dream? or it was really a dream? 'yung conversation between ysha and wonwoo, pamilyar 'yun sa akin. it felt so real. pero paano nga kung totoo nga 'yon? and that was one of ysha's memory? agad ko namang tinignan ang pulsuhan ko at hinimas ito. umiling na lang ako at kinuha ang phone ko na nasa gilid lang ng kama. i opened it and checked the time. it's already 7 in the morning. i saw texts from my manager, wonwoo and joshua. binuksan ko muna 'yung kay manager at napangiti ako sa nabasa. thank god, ate ae said that the director gave us a week off! after a month, finally, a rest days. i smiled and opened the text from wonwoo. from N. i already knew it was him noong malaman kong boyfriend siya ni ysha. but i don't know why it's letter N instead of W.