Waves - Book #2 [completed]

32 ~ Philophobia

Philophobia
noun
fear of falling in love

I'm impulsive. Always have been.

I've always acted on sparks and whims and lived in the moment. When I was younger, I drank and flirted with people I didn't know in bars and cities I wasn't familiar with. I went on trips without planning ahead. I enjoyed sex and pleasure and action and was never ashamed about any of it.

I kissed Samir the day we met because I felt like it. I slept with him the night after and married him after one and a half years of dating and never regretted any of it.

I attempted to surf on waves that were far too advanced for my skill level. I was unafraid but managed several turns and snaps, earned applause from the audience, and was catapulted to leading the Australia/Oceania qualifying series. I won the championship that same year.

I've never regretted being impulsive until today.

You might think I regret sleeping with Mason. But I don't. I knew what I was getting myself into when he asked if he could come over. And yesterday he gave me every opportunity to say no. To get out.

But I didn't want out.

What churns me is the fact that everything inside me wants to keep him as close as possible, wants him to never leave again. This wasn't just sex and fun. It was a lot more, and I know I'm starting to fall for him. In fact, I'm hanging on a thin thread above the abyss with no safety net in sight. And it fucking scares me.

I felt drawn to him ever since he set foot in Rathi's house even when I tried to deny it. I felt how he slowly peeled my layers back one smug comment and smirk at a time, stripping me bare and making me feel everything I thought I'd buried deep so nobody could get close to me again. He's flipped my world upside down and all I feel is chaos.

Kissing him on New Year's was impulsive – a drunk but honest choice I made. But everything that followed was a conscious decision. Yeah, we didn't map it all out, but I knew what I wanted when I agreed to this stupid situationship.

The thought of keeping things casual, the idea of giving sex a go again in a secluded environment is what drew me in because the dating world and the thought of having to get to know someone new was petrifying. Still is. But with Mason it happened naturally.

I genuinely thought I could be unattached. I thought I could silence my blossoming emotions with sex and a few orgasms, letting go for a moment and allowing myself to indulge where I have been celibate for years. I just wanted to feel sexy again. I was so hungry for intimacy and caress that I didn't think about the consequences.

Because there's nothing casual about how I feel. Before yesterday I could deny it, blame physical attraction and tension for the way I felt. But then being with Mason felt... amazing.

It felt safe, liberating, raw and honest. Mason was giving, paying attention to my needs and what I wanted and how I moved. He was vocal, strong without being overpowering and he fucking knew what he was doing. The image of him moving over me, the weight of his hips pinning me down as well as the sounds and little moans he made and his gaping mouth as if he couldn't quite believe himself make my thighs clench and the spot between my legs pulse with more desire.