i think as i keep getting older i keep getting more aware.
more aware about how the people around me see me, as if they were staring right through me, making me the most vulnerable i've ever been.
more aware about how i look, how i talk, how i sit, how i walk, how i stand, how i laugh, how i move, how i breathe.
because i'm so so so painfully aware.
i'm aware that everyone around me sees me as a girl.
i'm aware that no matter how many T shots i take, i won't be what i want to be.
i'm aware that punishing myself won't be enough, but i do it anyways.
i'm aware that cutting my hair, wearing my binder till it hurts, and fucking up my posture won't make it more believable that i was born in the wrong body.
i'm aware that as i stand with other boys, i stand out.
i stand out in the complete opposite way then i would like to.
i'm aware that eventually, the pain is going to get to be to much, and something is going to tip me of the edge.
but it's okay, i keep telling myself.
"have you had any thoughts about hurting yourslef or others?"
"no."
as i stare into the mirror, a horrible try hard of a boy staring back at me, i realize i'll never be what i make myself out to be.
i'll never be always happy and never worried.
i'll never be chill and down with anything.
because even though i shove all my feelings down my throat, i know they are there.
and i'm fucking aware.
i'm fucking aware that everyday is just warning signs till i actually do something.
but it's okay!
it's okay even as my thoughts bleed to red,
it's okay even as i take apart the pencil sharpener,
it's okay even as my music blasts so loud my ears ring,
it's okay even when it's not.
at least,
i think it is.
