Bullshit

Mister mcmuffin

What's up, I'm Bernie, and I'm 16, slaying all these women with my massi-
I attend Cawthon high -FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDYS REFERENCE!! 😱😱- and you are a journal. You are not a human. Your life is a lie. You were given to me as a pity gift from my b a mom who totally dipped the second she pushed me out her cigarette powdered gussy hole. I totally ignored you, because big B don't take that level of disrespect. She gave me some bullhonkey reason to use you like mental development. But fine, maybe I'll get a little holler, a little hoot out of it.
Lololol anyways it's time for the real trope of this fanfiction to start, oh yeah, gay cafe time. My dad opened the cafe for reasons idrk cus he's kinda emo and seems like more of a beta (betas do not open cafes) but I guess not. He bought the place and I guess he's just been looking for some use to it.
Lol peace out

***
I didn't plan on bein so absolutely serious in my old ass gussy cigarette powder journal, I forcefully swung it back into the drawer. ITSA time to gettada goin anyway (/italian). I tried brushing my hair but it was more knotted than that beeotch from tangled. I put on my signature white teeshat and some JEANS then scoot da looed down the stairs. My dad was NPC stancing by the door while swinging the keys round his finger like a 1930s outdated Mickey film.
"HAUGHHAUGH ready to go kiddo?" He asked, my dad sounded like the real life Mickey. I never understood why and when I asked kids if their parents too sounded like the mythical characters founded by Walt they stared at me like I had cocaine dripping from my nose
***
The cafe was clean somehow, I guess I just expected it to still be covered in cafussy dust and blood from the tortured souls of the innocent. It had a huge sign in big purple comical sans fonted writing "Aftons Cafe" because you all be knowin that you'd go to a restaurant with the last name of a serial killer. Jkjk I don't think Williams a murderer in this fanfiction anyway.
The line waiting outside the door practically wrapped around the building, didn't surprise me though, people been wanting a new cafe since strar busks closed. So I got this red apron..and a notepad. I swear I must be tweakin cus I see this flash of silvery white hair but then quickly recognize who it is.
"HAII BABYYY!" Fredward wrapped me in an embrace so tight I thought I might explode with confetti. Freddy, his preferred name because his actual one gives SpongeBob, is this super loud spontaneous dood who most would worry that hes losing it but we already know hes long gone. He cool though he my g
By we I mean me and my other friends Marley and Josephine. They suddenly just appeared from thin air with a "Hey baby" I swear these three were so alike and inseparable. I love them but darn that stupid nickname, die it to hell. Sometimes though, just hear me out, they reek of this queer stench. It's kind of faint and hard to smell but when you be havin these intense griffin sneefers like me and are too a homo you'll definitely sense it.
"Woaahhhh this is so seeeiicckk" Jobesphone said zooming around the room while their big huge knee height slippers echoed footsteps against the floor. Bro bleached his hair multiple times but his GINGER roots was still pokin and a peakin at the top. Personally I thought it looked good on him
Marley just stood there looking around blankly, they had this super long hair that reached down to their belt and split Melanie style with the pink hair on the other side of their head.

"OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG ARE U EXCITED!? You are a flintstone now" Freddy screamed loudly

"As excited as a mosquito hawk with a shoe over its hea- I'm sorry what" my reply earned a little holler and a hoot from
Marley

"THATS CRAZY IM EXCITED TOO!! IM SO GLAD YOU ARE EQUALLY AS PUMPED AS I AM TO BE IN THIS EQUALLY AS AMAZING TO STRAR BUCKS CAFE AND THAT YOU ARE NOT BEING SARCASTIC!" Freddy screamed, it seemed a little passive aggressive but I shrugged it off. After all I do recall a time where he fucking chucked his brother across my living room and laughed as he made a big blue slimey schplat against my wall. Poor Benjamin.