Bullshit

Of the amusement ride type

Dawwwggggggg fuckkk school maann I am TIRRREEEDDDD bleehhhh you can't make me go to school bleehhh. Especially since ysee I got this ex, red haired (not ginger folks, im talkin blood red), rat mustached, 80's type bad mullet, dream shirt wearing motha-

"HAUGHHAUGHAUAGHAGUAGHAUGHAUGH" I heard a sickening series of familiar HAUGHAUGH rapidly approaching my being. He prolly mad cus we was supposed to be gone bout' 15 minutes ago but I've just been up here writing in you. HES BREAKING DOWN THE DO-
So we're sitting in this Ford F-150, more specifically my dads Ford f-150. "Why don't you take the beeussss? I HAUGHAUH wake up at the crack of dawn to drive you to school the least you could do be dressed on TIME you lazy hoe HAUGHAUGH" he reminded me politely.
"The bus stank like an easy bake oven after you try and stick a still beating heart in it. And the seatbelt texture gives me an aneurysm" I give this answer every single time he asks. Yes, he asks multiple times. School like just started and bros asked me more times than I can count on my fingers (four)
Suddenly I screamed as I saw the roof to my school "INCOMINGGG" blehhh you can't make me feel bad for giving my father war flashbacks to his previous jobs as a nightguard bleejjhhh
"AAAAAAAAAHAHAHOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" he screamed because if he's not Mickey he's sure as hell not bri'ish either and he starts to swerve around other cars. So, to give you an idea of what this is like, we're are going at 87 miles per hour in a school zone just barely avoiding cars and buses trying to get through. Like that time my dad went to celebration station when he was 11 and went on the 'big boy go karts' and didn't realize when the instructor said to stop so he nonchalantly swerved past at least 12 other go karts and somehow maintaining not a single hit on any of them (his pussy era)
So we just barely avoid all the vehicles and he, of course, did all of this to drive into the bus lane. It was like midnight motorist all over again and even after I left the car I think I could hear dad rocking in fetal position, squeaking the brown pleather seats asking himself if he had turned into his father. Just a regular Monday morning.
My schools principal, SCOTT CAWTHON. yeah, the developer of five nights at Freddy's, five nights at Freddy's creator, made fnaf, INTRODUCED FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDYS, MADE ONE OF THE BIGGEST INDIE HORROR GAMES OF THE CENTURY, MADE SEQUELS OF THE GAME FOR MONEY BUT SOMEHOW STILL MADE THEM GOOD. Assembled, constructed, directed, manufactured, fabricated, formed, produced, built, put together, generated, designed, erected, originated, the very mold that no horror game could ever fit up to today no matter how waxy, is my principal.
He's a pretty depressing dude but he got the drip fr cus everyday he wears a suit, a like blinding baby blue suit. Im glad I've never had not one interaction with him because he seems like he's already reached the bottom of the barrel with just insanity in general. One time as the daily announcements came on I think I could hear him slightly sobbing before taking a deep breath in and going on about the regular announcements, though the end seemed a bit off.
"In addition to the specified menu, we will also have deserts to help us cope with all the salty people; do not forget to study hard for your upcoming exams. You will feel better about yourself, but your results won't matter anyway, because the school will be run by people giving out diplomas based on financial contributions, not academic performances. Also remember to be nice to your teachers, because you never know when they might stab you in the back. Also, let's not forget about Sharon and the new gym teacher. His office is not as private as you think. Send out a positive example to the kids rather than failing more than your students do on every exam. John, John my guy, you still remember when my family cooked for you during Christmas, because your wife left you and you didn't even know how to fry an egg? Yes, good times indeed. Oh, and Burke, how are your AA meetings going? Are you still blaming your addiction issues on your students? Finally, remember kids, the only person to trust is yourself— Principal Cawthon out."
So needless to say that was quite the time. Teachers are pretty chill tho.
Freddy, Joe (m..m..mm..m..I am going to say it...mm..mmmmmmmmmmmm JOE MAMA) and some dude were all waiting for me somehow in the bus lane.
"Where's Maeley"
"THEYRE SICK. They too, are a flintstone now."
"Oh ok STOP"
" which is why we replaced them wit my boy Nasal ova hea say wassup Nasal" Jo said nudgin.. Nasal?
"My name is Nathan.." Nasal looked at Jo concernedly.
"..this is just temporary right" I asked clearly wanting to shoot Nathan with a harpoon
"Yup. Just a replacement" nasal said bawling nasal's eyes out actually flooding with emotion and despair. Nasal seemed alright
"If I may, what are your pornouns"
"Nor/mal"
So needless to say he was quickly accepted into the friend circle.
—
"BRROOOOOO THAT DUDE TOTALLY FELL OFF THAT ROLLERCOASTERRR!! LOOK!! LOOK AT HIM!! HE IS NOT FASTENED IN, THEREFORE IMPLYING HE HAD A BETTER CHANCE OF FALLING OUT THAN ANYBODY ELSE!! WHICH MEANS IT TOTALLY HAD TO BE THAT GUY!!" Fredward screamed, we do this every lunch, one of us brings any electronic device from a kitchen sink to a bathroom floor tile to entertain the others. It was SUPPOSED TO BE Marleys day but nooooo they had to go and be a flintstone now so I had to do it.
"Thought you said you wanted to ride that big 2 foot (I failed measurements, you come and take me, and if that's not a big height then pretend it is stock photo of a poorly drawn emoji crossing it's arms confidently) rollercoaster this summer?" Joe mama raised an eyebrow supicwocuosy
"Em i daurnar.." Fredward said, for the first time, in a little tiny quiet voice, twirling his hair.
"Man U a pussy"
"I AM NOT"
"ARE 2!!"
"D2"
I finally interrupted them but out of nowhere the room got very dark. Narcolepsy got up from his seat and jumped on top the table but we didn't realize it was him till the big spotlight kicked in.
"THE FU-" Joe was quickly cut off by Nathan, who dropped the dramatic pose and started twirling his head and rubbing the tip of his shoe against the table shyly
"I eat off that" I said absolutely devastatedly.
"Thank yaur..Jaur and their kind friends foaur.. letting maay eat launch wif yaur today... it means alaut cus I'm just saur shy...and.. I'm juast a little gauy.." Naturalist said, for a shy person he certainly didn't seem to have a problem with the entire cafeteria including the gruel beneath the soccer players cleats gawking at this eye capturing gesture.
"It's chill" "yeah it's chill" DAS CHILL" the three of us started saying at once, nodding at him as if it were a group initiation.
—
Of course, not to be emo, not like my dad, nothing good really lasts forever. As I was a cruising and a strolling down the extremely uncomfortable and tightly compact hallway I bumped into that person I mentioned at the beginning of this chapta. They drop all their stuff and as I look into their eyes I feel my whole body wanting to sink into the ground and die.
"KENNY-??!!" yo that's my ex. The same guy I NEVER DECIDED TO GIVE A FULL PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION OF TILL SEVERAL MONTHS AFTER THIS WAS FIRST PUBLISHED yeah it's him. If you thought Dave Miller was freaky with silver eyes imagine this obsessive, unfunny, rat faced, no not even rat faced that's a compliment, star nosed mole faced, red headed, eyes more silvery than the shit sleeping beauty used to knock herself out for 1000 years (except when you see this man and know the experience I had dating him you'll never want to wake up)
He hugged me so tight that I'm positive my eyes boyoyoingggggedd out my skull and I just forgot
"Let..me..go..you..wHUAAAA" I said unable to breathe, real
"AUHAUHAUH OUI OUI OUI MEET AAAAGGGAINNN mye euone and oenly" he said in an offensive French accent, i swear this kid had more goofy movement that one of those animation memes in 2020.
"LET GGOOOAUAUH" I coughed
"Oh I am so sorry my one true!!! Alas! I thought we might never meet again!" Kenny said, very dramatically.
"That's cool but uh we live in the same district, we were obviously gonna go to the sa- okay you know what I'm just gonnaaaaa" I awkwardly laugh and began sprinting off on all fours but 'alas' he catches me and picks me up like I'm some sort of rabbid.
"WHE DO YOU ZINK YOU ARE GOEENG! BEBÉÉ WE HAVE JAUST REUNIT—ED!" Jesus Christ not the French accent again. I've never been more publicly humiliated,
"I'm gonna be late the bell already ra-
"WE CAN BE TOGEZZA AGAIN AT LAST MY DEAR-EST!"
"Oh my god. OI AM 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈👩‍❤️‍👩👩‍❤️‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩GAYYY👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍👩🏳️‍🌈👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏳️‍🌈✨💅 YOu PRICK" a little British came out for a moment but thankfully I held in my primal urge to go European richest killer on his ass. He stood in shock and disbelief as I stormed off.
Of course, since I was so preoccupied with the pool of cold sweat, dandruff and beanstalk energy that was Kenny I completely forgot my booksack. Thankfully a girl in my next period with vibrantly green hair (probably got pronouns too) reminded me in which I did nothing but sink to the floor
—
Ah yes another day at the infamous son of a notorious child murderers cafe, my favorite place to work. As I was writing down orders I look back at the long line. My heart starts palpitating, straight out my chest like that one gif from the mask movie (prolly made in Ohio) IT WAS HER
✨laurelay✨ oh wait I mean ✨Lauren✨ mb
As I was starin all goo goo eyes at Location some otha woman I was supposed to be taking the order of snapped me out of it.  Long, irritated, and depressed sigh "Hi welcome to aftons cafe May I take urrr oaurder"
I knew what was coming
"Ill have the Neapolitan cappuccino, more Cappa than chino. Make sure it's got no more than 4oz of milk, the beans won't have the right texture otherwise. And make sure they spell my name right in the cup. If you can't handle that, I'll have a Venti Traditional Misto. Please use soy milk with two blond shots affogato and Ristretto. Id also love three vanilla pumps at the very bottom..." Now I couldn't possibly get all that down, I write in thick calligraphy and I'm just so small and petite the pen is bigger than me so I just wrote down 'cofee' for Caren.
Once I was finally done with that hot wreck I skittered over to Lorelies table quickly, not giving a hot hell about how long any of the other customers had been waiting.
"Hehehe may I taek Ur order.."
"Heem..hee heem..." she blushed and twirled her hair "I'll get the um...Neapolitan cappuccino, more Cappa than-"
"NO" I quickly interrupted
Lora giggled again beautifully "I'm just joshing you girlie..I get teh same ting evewy time òwò" she said looking at me like I was dumb
"Oaur" I wrote it down and pulled her order right out my ass "here yew go mam" I said plopping the chocolate latte in front of her. Lorelei looked at me as if she didn't just watch me prepare the latte with anything on me so I could stay next to her and possibly impress her with my creativity in using the paperclip as a straw. Or as you could phrase it, utter amazement. As she took a sip I think I could see her eye tearing up but she swallowed the urge to cringe at how bad it was.
"Tis..tis..is sooaur amazinf Bernie kun.." she smiled beautifully. She was so enchanting, even when she clearly hated it and let her brain comprehend how it tasted like wall insulation she still drank it just so she wouldn't hurt my feewings..
"Zank u Lora kun- I-I-I-I MEAN I MEAN I UH I MEAN I GOT I I I I I I" I didn't mean to call her Lora, it suited her perfectly and she blushed but I just sat there melting "I MEAN I ID DID I DID NT I AJJSJS8382'ama00@"@"@"2,s,a,aka,,,z,los,slalwlalalsllele,w,slelelwlsl" I keyboard smashed verbally
She giggles "you did it better than strarbusksks" Lora said beautifully as she got up and gathered her things from the relatively tiny table. "You can expect me back" she nods and I just stood there foaming at the mouth.
What a woman