storm || r. hamato

Part 18

(Content Warning; there's more mentions of needles, self harm, self doubt, and anxiety.  This might feel like a filler, but I'd like to tap into Raph's feelings better than when it happened in the filler chapter (CH. 10).  I don't feel like I've given you your Raphael food, plus some other turtle dynamics :))

The night couldn't go on any slower for Raphael...again.  Seconds were minutes.  Minutes were hours.  And hours felt like days. He was tired, but he was too afraid to sleep.

He felt like he was back in time to five months ago.  Here he was, by your side, yet again wondering if you were going to make it out of the situation alive.  The only difference here is that your death would've been by your own hands, not someone else's. 

What was your point in trying to kill yourself?   Was there a point to prove?  What was even wrong?  What triggered you to attempt suicide?  Raphael could only imagine the millions of thoughts that could have gone through your head before you blacked out.  He was worried.  No, "worried" was an understatement.  Raphael knew you.  He knew the millions of thoughts that may have gone through that mind of yours. 

He knew that consistently having to seek shelter in the sewers was tiring.  It had to have felt like imprisonment to you. 
Your family had only just came to you about the truth, but only because you asked.  Raph himself couldn't even imagine what else they could have hidden from you.
Just weeks ago, Raph had called you a burden.  There's no way that didn't have an impact on your decision.  You literally had to take a break from the lair because Raph was such an ass to you, saying shit like that.  He felt horrible.  He was mad at you.  He was mad at himself.  He was mad at your parents.  Fuck it, he was mad at everyone. 

Raph rests his elbows on his thighs, and then he proceeds to rest his face in the palm of his hands.  He takes in a shaky breath before tears start to well up in his eyes. 

"God, please, not again." He weeps into his hands.

Why were things always like this for you and him?  Why do you guys always have to spend time together with one of you dying and the other in paralyzing fear?  No, who was he kidding?  It was always you who was dying.  It was always you. 

Five months ago you were dying in his arms because you got cocky and jumped into a fight that you knew you shouldn't have. For someone who wasn't even close to being a kunoichi, you sure as hell were way too confident...and that's what almost got you killed the first time.
Next, you found yourself getting chased by the foot clan twice, and twice the turtles had to save you. Although you weren't actually dying or hurt, it very well could have happened.
After that, you fell extremely ill. Had Raph and Donnie completely ignored your sickness, you probably would have been dead from your own body heat within just days.
And now here you were, again, lying on top of Donnie's lab table, once again. The only difference this time was that you were in control of how you died.