A long story

Chapter 14

Steve's POV

I couldn't sleep. I can't stop thinking about her. Suddenly I hear a knock on the door and I already know who it is. I open the door and let the person come in without looking at her. I sit on the bed, so does she and I finally look at her. She seems different. I want to hug her, take her in my arms and never let her leave me, but I can't. She owes me some explanations.

"I'm sorry" she finally says.

"Why ? Why did you say this ?"

"Because I'm tired of people blaming themselves ! This was my choice and there was no way I would have let any of you die because you're my family and in my world family is more important than anything else !"

"More important than your own life ?"

"Of course !"

"Then you're wrong !"

"Steve come on, I'm an old Russian spy in redemption. I have lost the count of victims I made but I can still see their faces in my mind every nights. I almost killed a little girl just to get in the S.H.I.E.L.D. And it all started when I was a little girl. My mom was killed by Dreykov when I was born and I never met her. I don't even know her name or where she's buried or how she looked like. My adoptive parents gave me up to this monster and it took everything from me."

"But you proved him wrong. I mean look at you, you're a hero. Everyone has a past which we're probably not proud of. You took care of him and by doing this you saved the lives of thousands of little girls. You're not a monster Natasha, not to me, not to the world. You're the only one who thinks this."

Tears start to form in her eyes but she tries to hold them back.

"Why did you come to apologize ?"

"Because Carol made me realize that we don't know what tomorrow is made of and I don't want to be in a fight with you. I don't want to lose you and I'm sorry for what I said."

"You said it for a reason"

"Because it was true. When we left for that mission, I knew we couldn't all stay alive. You really thought we could go in the past, take the stones, bring everyone back without consequences ? When you're all alone during five years you start to think about dying until you finally have an opportunity."

"But I was there, I was there with you"

"Not how I wanted you to. I wanted you to be with me all day, to show me life mattered. I should have said this to you but how do you tell your friend you love him when we both are in mourning ?"

"I'm sorry"

"No, you're not allowed to say this when I'm the problem in this situation"

"You're not the problem"

"Please stop lying to yourself. We both know I'm the problem."

"Can't you stop thinking this ?"

"How could after everything I did ?"

"But you weren't yourself ! You have to believe it !"

"What if he comes back and take control of my head again ?"

"It won't happen"

"How can you be so sure ? I thought I killed him once but I found out it was all a lie and the Red Room still existed. I found out that I almost killed Dreykov's daughter for nothing. The poor Antonia's face appeared every day in my head and I couldn't chase it. I had confront my past and killed him again. But what if it did nothing ? What if someone took over the Red Room and now thousands of little girls were still getting manipulated ? Can you imagine this ? Because I can, I can and it's killing me."

"Why didn't you tell me ?"

"Because it's a part of my past you wouldn't understand, no one would. You didn't try to kill a little girl to left an abominable place, you would try to find a better option. I didn't. I left like a coward instead of helping them. You can say what you want, but I'll think I'm a monster."

She lowers her head but I come closer and take it in my hands.

"Listen to me. You're perfect no matter what you can say to me. So now every time you're feeling low, you'll have two options. One, you come to me and tell me what's going on, or two, you go to Wanda and talk to her."

"I can do that" she whispers.

"Good. Now, can I kiss you, because I wanted to do it all day ?"

She giggles and nods.

"Of course"

I break the distance between us and kiss her. It feels so good to have her with me. And no matter what, I'll protect her with my life. I take her in my arms and squeeze her against me as hard as I can. I need her, she's the definition of perfect to me and she's my life.