Leaps and landings

20

While every time Jess brought up the baby topic with her, Odette felt a little better, as if he was proving to her once again that he was at least considering it, she did fear his thought process as well. He'd said it himself - 'not feeling he was up for it', was a valid option. He'd even thought about splitting up because of it. Those thoughts stung like hell. She felt like she wouldn't survive that.

Odette continued to pack Jess's books, setting aside a few for her to read, trying to steer in her mind in a direction that wouldn't involve pining over something that hadn't happened yet. She wanted to see the positive in this - that he didn't consider it a dealbreaker - but maybe now he did? Maybe he would stick around but not participate in the upbringing? Like that was even possible! She was grasping at straws.

They were just finishing some Chinese food, orange chicken and Chow Mein, on the sofa, before heading back to New York, a wall of boxes now standing between them and the hallway, awaiting for pickup.

"I got you worried, didn't I?" Jess asked, having been observing Odette the entire afternoon, noting how she'd gone all quiet after their talk earlier.

"Yeah," she replied quietly. In a way she was glad he could see right through her, she saw him too. Despite the short length of their relationship, she sometimes felt like they'd been together for years, if it wasn't for the tiny reminders of small bits and pieces of information about the other that would surprise the other, small stuff, she would've really believed it. It wasn't a relationship that was going to be easy to part from.

"I didn't mean to do that, I'm sorry. I just didn't want to lie, and honestly if I can avoid any of those negative scenarios I will, we will," Jess assured. "It's just been a lot harder for me to wrap my brain around it than I anticipated. I don't want to hold you back, you deserve all the happiness," he added, trying to think of what and how to say to make this better. But he really wasn't sure he could.

Odette swallowed her last bite, having kept the waves of emotion under the surface so far. But now she couldn't anymore. It was like releasing a flood from behind the dam, when her loud whimper jolted Jess out of his thought process.

"I didn't want to do this," she replied apologetically, gesturing towards herself.

"No need to be sorry," Jess said as he placed down his food, his heart sank at the sight of her.

"Is it weird of me to hope that you were more like most guys - act first and think later, screw ethics and responsibilities - just do what feels good without any thought of the consequences? Because frankly I'd prefer living in that utopia right now. I don't know if I could handle losing you," she sobbed, trying to turn this into a joke. It was her usual tactic of hurting through jokes, protecting herself.

"Hey, we're not there...just know that I am doing everything I can to figure it out. I want to do the RIGHT thing, we have to believe the right thing is what's best for us too," he tried to explain.

"Then why do I feel like I'm waiting for a guillotine to drop," she cried, hiding her face.

There wasn't anything he could say right then that would remove the fear. Not without lying to both of them. Instead he just wrapped his arms around her, whispering "I'm sorry," into her hairline. These were his inner battles, his fight with his past. He even considered offering her all the alternatives he could think of - her still having a kid on her own while he stayed along as the boyfriend, her adopting, even him fathering a child but not taking the responsibilities until needed. They all sounded horrible, but if it came to it, for the sake of not hurting her more, he was actually willing to consider them.

"Luke? You in here?" Jess asked loudly, as he stepped into the Gilmore-Danes house without knocking, seeing only Luke's car out front.

"I'm in the back," Luke called out.