BLACK SWAN

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐔𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋

" 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 , 𝐰𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐛𝐲𝐞.."

𝐢𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐧'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯

pluviophile , a lover of rain. I once loved the rain because it felt like some sort of security blanket. I loved it because it made me feel safe and I found comfort in it. I would sit at the nook in my bedroom and watch as the silent rain droplets fall against the window. The rainy days comes with its heaven-given soundtrack, washing every hue into a strong and soulful vibrancy. The rainy days came as an invitation to rest, to relax, to let the ever steady moment expand into dreamy poetic wonderings. Sitting at that nook , watching as the wind would blow the leaves off the tree made it feel like time has stopped. but that love has stopped...

Standing under the big , black umbrella , thats being held by my closest friend as sounds of sniffles surround the garden. The rain fell between the view of me and the big black oak coffin that held her lifeless body. Is it wrong to say that I wish we could trade places? I watch quietly , as family members place the brightest red of roses on top of the coffin. Those flowers seem to be the only thing except for the fresh green grass and the younger nieces of my aunts and uncles Snow White dresses that have color. I stood still as stone watching everything become real and unfold in front of my eyes , I had to finally realize that she was gone. My eyes shift from the floor to my left where Alejandro stood. He has been tapping my shoulder for the past minute but I was too out of focus to respond. He gestures his head to the casket , realizing that it's my turn to say my final goodbyes.

I let out a deep sigh , possibly loud enough for everyone to hear , as I slowly walk in-between the row of chairs that where set in the middle of the garden. I look straight ahead as everything comes into clearer view than from where I was standing. The portrait that portrayed her beauty stood in front of me while it felt like the picture was staring back. Saying goodbye to her was the last thing that I've ever wanted to do. Ive already been through this one too many times , but here I stand , going through it all over again. I touch the wet surface and look down to see my mirrored reflection. I let the subtle tears fall as my heart shatters piece by piece. Alejandro takes the opportunity to rub my shoulders with his unoccupied hand in the most comforting way. 

As if the soul could bleed an ocean through the eyes, that was the enormity of me sobbing. Pain knocks on the door and walks right in, the visitor that leaves in their own time. All we can do is learn from it, grow in our empathy for others in pain, and do what we can to recover and regain good health. Some cry out in pain, others show no response at all, and this is why empathy is so vital, to allow ourselves to feel what others are feeling rather than opting for shallow sympathies. And it is these moments that build and define who we are, that bring the sculpture of our future self from the clay of our youth. Pain is personal, yet empathy makes it easier to bare. So be there and realize that steady and reliable love makes all the difference in the world.

Everything is getting colder and darker by the second , as the stream of continues tears stroll down my bare face. It hurts. It hurts way too much and my heart is damn near tired. It feels as though I'm hiding a storm inside and it kills me every single day. Im tired. Im hurt. Im in pain. Everyday I make a process to heal from previous hurt , but constantly that effort means absolutely nothing to the universe. I understand that we were born to love and to suffer loss , but this isn't what I had imagined. Loss comes and we feel the bonds of our love reach out into the ether, feeling them there yet wishing for their presence, to hold and nurture once more. I just want to feel her touch once more , even if it takes my last breath. I want to at least say goodbye.