SAFE . . . reyna ramirez-arellano

95 - the doctor

BRIAR QUICKLY REMINDED herself to curse Leo for being so unhygienic, because if he'd changed his fucking underwear and washed his hands, then they wouldn't be in this situation.

She'd had a lot of practice dodging monsters — mechanical or non-mechanical — which was good, because the golden serpent was fast. Briar expertly jumped to the side and watched as Leo blasted the snake in the eyes with fire, causing it to veer left and smash into the bench.

She and Jason went to work on Hygeia. They slashed through the statue's knees, felling her like an alabaster Christmas tree. Her head hit a bench. Her chalice splashed steaming acid all over the floor. Jason and Briar moved in for the kill, but, before they could strike, Hygeia's legs popped back on like they were magnetic. The goddess rose, still smiling.

"Unacceptable," she said. "The doctor will not see you until you are properly sanitized."

She sloshed her cup towards Briar, who jumped out of the way again as more acid splashed across the nearest benches, dissolving the stone in a hissing cloud of steam.

Fuck me, she thought.

The snake, meanwhile, recovered its senses. Its melted metal eyes somehow repaired themselves. Its face popped back into shape like a dent-resistant car hood.

It struck at Leo, who ducked and tried to grapple its neck, but the serpent shot past, leaving his hands scraped and bleeding.

Then Jason soared into the air and lopped the goddess's head off.

Sadly, the head flew right back into place.

"Unacceptable," Hygeia said calmly. "Decapitation is not a healthy lifestyle choice."

"Jason, get over here!" Leo yelled. "Briar, buy us some time!"

"Oh, fuck you," Briar groaned.

"You're a lesbian."

Briar rolled her eyes, but she turned to the statue with a plastered smile. "Hygeia!" she yelled. "I have insurance!"

That got the statue's attention. Even the golden snake turned towards her, as if insurance was some sort of tasty rodent.

"Insurance?" the statue said eagerly. "Who is your provider?"

"Um . . . Blue Lightning," Briar said. "I have the card right here. Just a second."

She made a big show of opening her purse slowly and digging into it to look for an insurance card. The snake slithered over to watch as she sifted through every wallet that she'd nicked off of people when she was in Sparta and in Pylos. Listen, she was bored, okay?

Finally she'd found a card and held it up triumphantly. "I have insurance!" She grinned.

And then the statue started asking a million questions a second at her, and Briar immediately knew she was screwed.

After she'd answered about a hundred I don't know's, she saw out of the corner of her eye Jason and Leo running over to the snake. Leo jumped on the serpent's back, tinkering with something in its head.

Jason stood by, ready to attack, but the snake was transfixed by Briar's many problems with Blue Lightning's coverage. Or maybe it was just her looks.

"Then the advice nurse said I had to call a service center," Briar reported, sprouting the most bullshity bullshit she'd ever bullshitted. "And the medications weren't covered by my plan! And –"

The snake lurched as Leo finished whatever he was doing. He jumped off and the golden serpent began shaking uncontrollably.

Hygeia whirled to face them. "What have you done? My snake requires medical assistance!"