Guilt

"When you're tall enough to reach the pedals..."

"Let's stop for coffee on the way...my treat."

Jay volunteered to go with Vanessa to meet one of her CI's. He thought this guy was squirrelly and even though Vanessa had known Manny a long time, he wasn't going to risk it.

"Jeez, I feel like I'm one of the cool kids now...you buying me coffee...this mean you're gunna let me drive your truck?"

Jay smirked at her, "When you're tall enough to reach the pedals..."

"Whoa Halstead, now that's just cold..."

"But true..."

"Okay, yes probably...but a girl can dream..."

"Yes a girl can dream..." he glanced at her and threw a shit kicking grin her way, "you hold on to that one Rojas, maybe move it down toward the bottom of the list though..."

XXXXXXX

She opened her mouth to warn Jay but then her head exploded. As she fell to the ground, she saw one of the thugs hit Jay in the back with something, causing him to arch his back and stumble. The rage that blazed from him when she was hit was briefly interrupted by pain before it returned full force.

His stumble morphed into a sloppy hook kick to her attacker, a precursor to Jay driving him head first into a wall before he could hit her a second time. She passed out to a rage filled Jay turning on the other three.

X

Vanessa came to laying on her stomach and blinked her eyes trying to clear them. She didn't know why this happened. Manny had been her friend then her CI forever...but he pulled them into a trap and now lay dead, bullet between the eyes, slumped against the brick wall.

She tried to get to her hands and knees but barely made it and inch before she passed out again, bloody face laying against the red brick of the alley.

When her eyes fluttered open again, probably moments later, the world was blurry and sound was muted. As her vision cleared and her hearing came back in a rush, banishing the static, she saw what was going on in front of her, powerless to help, all she could do was lay on the brick and watch as Jay took on the three guys. The fourth guy still on the ground, probably dead given the bloody dent above his eye.

She had never seen Jay fight before, didn't even think of it. She knew he had been a Ranger but didn't know about any of the special skills he might have, didn't have that knowledge to put in her tiny box of things she knew about Jay; a great cop, loyal to a fault, Hailey's best friend, protector...protector...he was protecting her and that's why he was in this mess.

Surely concussed but even with her muddled brain, she was kind of awestruck watching him fight. It was the precision she thought. Like, an elite army guy standing at attention but in kicking your ass form. Three against one, he was giving as good as he got but he was getting a lot. Just two now, as he had dropped another with a move she couldn't quite clock.

Jay was losing steam. She could tell as the grunts of pain became more frequent and the blood running down his face from his forehead, nose and lip were just evidence of the beating he was taking. The blood running in his left eye was what turned the fight in the their favor. He couldn't see in his left periphery and a hard blow to his face sent him into the wall with a grunt, the wall itself delivering another devastating blow.

His back was slammed into the wall twice more by the bigger of the guys, then held there while the other one landed three hard blows to Jay's abdomen. The last blow forced a choked scream from his lips and had him leaning to the left, curling in on himself.

They let him drop and caught their breath, giving Jay an opportunity to also catch his breath but it was illusive.

Sucking in shallow breaths, Jay slid his knee up, another limb protecting whatever damage they had just done to his left side, not that it would help. The damage was already done.

Their eyes met for a moment. Jay lifted his left hand off the brick and put in back down, closing his eyes then opening them. He wanted her to stay down, play possum. She knew what he was doing, keeping the focus on himself. Getting beat to death so they would leave her alone.

The pain in Jay's eyes was extreme but it was the guilt in them that broke her heart. He was blaming himself. She mouthed, 'no' hoping he would understand it wasn't his fault, that she didn't blame him but there was no time for it to register, the assholes had caught their breath.

Jay threw his head back and screamed when one of them toed him onto his back, heightening the pain in his injured left side, then they went to town on him using their feet. He was able to arch away from some blows and even sweep the feet out from under one of the guys, but that just brought the asshole to Jay's level. Straddling him, the perp delivered blow after blow to Jay's face whipping his head back and forth to punctuate his warning to stay out of their territory.

He got off Jay when he stilled, unconscious or dead he didn't care. Waving his friend over they checked their buddies, leaving the dead one and feeling their own injuries, picked up the other between them and stumbled away.

X

Tears leaked from her eyes as they fluttered closed, Jay looked dead, was probably dead and it was her fault. She opened her eyes again and took a breath, needing to get to Jay. She dragged herself closer, her head spinning the whole time. She fought the nausea of a sure concussion, Jay was the priority.

She finally made it where she could look into his face, their bodies going in different directions, he was upside down to her. The damage was significant.

Jay was on his right side. His right arm was under him, the left bent in front, almost like he was reaching out to her. His normally handsome, stoic face, that always had a shit kicking grin for Hailey, and sometimes for the rest of them, was covered in blood and red splotches that would surely become dark bruises if death didn't stop the process.

She didn't know how he couldn't be dead. She tilted her head a bit so she could watch his chest and could see the shallow hitching breaths. She drew closer, wanting to touch him, but didn't know where. She didn't know how broken he was and didn't want to hurt him further.

She slid her arm across the bricks, eyes closing, the movement making her want to puke. When her stomach had calmed down she opened her eyes and reached out. She rubbed his left hand, his finger and called his name as loud as the nausea let her. It came out in a whisper...she kept stroking his finger, hoping he would wake up but his eyes didn't even flutter.

She reached out further and stroked his forehead at his hairline but again nothing. That's what did her in and she was able to turn her head as she vomited but still got it in her hair and on her face. When she was done, head splitting, she turned back to Jay, part of her hoping the violence of her vomiting might have woken him up. The other part of her afraid he had died while she turned away from him, but he was still breathing those hitched breaths.

She went back to stroking his finger, mindful of his bruised, swelling knuckles. They needed help, but the radio was in the truck blocks away, tucked away with their guns and badges. Her phone laying shattered on the on the ground a few feet away, and although she wasn't sure, Jay's had probably met the same fate. They were stuck.

He would probably die here if they didn't get help. A good samaritan was their only hope and given this neighborhood and how deep the fight took them into the alley, that was a pipe dream. Tears rolled down her face and over the bridge of her nose, mixing with the blood and vomit on the bricks. She called Jay's name again, watching a rivulet of blood make a trail from his temple and across his eye as she stroked his finger one more time before she passed out, her fingers still making a connection with his.