Guilt

"Not your fault Vanessa."

She was looking down, picking her fingernails as tears tracked down her face. She was overwhelmed with guilt and it was becoming harder and harder to hold, leaking out in copious amounts of tears only to make space for more guilt.

His eyes fluttered open and although he felt the pain vibrating through his body, it was a low frequency, dulled by the heavy duty pain meds they were pumping into him.

As he got his bearings, he heard sniffing next to him and saw Vanessa lost in her own world of guilt. He wished he could take it from her. He vaguely remembered her apologizing and knew her guilt would be heavy until he got out of there.

Setting his own overwhelming guilt aside for not protecting her, he whispered her name when she hadn't noticed he was awake. It wasn't until he brushed his fingers against her jaw that her eyes found his and her tears fell in earnest.

He still didn't have much of a voice, but he needed her to understand it wasn't her fault.

Lightly brushing her chin again, he tried to make his voice strong, but it was nothing more than a whisper, "Not your fault Vanessa. Okay? It's not."

She wanted to argue, but she could see he was in pain, so she nodded her head.

Vanessa did a lot of undercover, was good at it, but here, she sucked. "V..."

"Okay, I know...okay..."

He huffed and pushed the button to the PCA. Vanessa was stubborn, probably why she was such a good fit in the unit. He let himself drift off to sleep knowing his stubbornness trumped hers. He would win the argument later.

XXXXXXX

He woke up with a groan and before he even opened his eyes he could feel the warmth of Vanessa's hand on his own.

"Vanessa...Vanessa..." he whispered.

When she didn't answer he forced his eyes open, blinking the blur away only to have it immediately return, tears the cause this time.

Vanessa was in front of him, laying in a puddle of puke and blood, eyes half open but void of any spark of life. He didn't need to take her pulse but did anyway, twisting his hand, searching...searching for proof of life in her wrist and finding nothing. More tears flowed and he called her name again, this time not to wake her up but in anguish; knowing he hadn't protected her and now she was gone.

X

Will sighed as he watched his little brother's head weakly toss back and forth, fingers twitching on the bed as he reached out for an invisible entity.

"Jay...Jay..."

He ran his hand through his little brothers hair, glad he had sent Vanessa to get something to eat. This wasn't the first nightmare Jay's had and she didn't need to witness another.

Everyone of them resulted in Vanessa not surviving the attack. Jay would wake with a start, tears leaking from his eyes, calling her name, his anguish palpable before he passed out again an 'I'm sorry' riding his exhale. More often than not, Will thought it was guilt not pain that sent his little brother back to oblivion.

Once again, Jay was gone so quickly from the waking world he wasn't able assure him Vanessa was okay. And even though he wasn't sure if Jay heard him, he assured his sleeping brother that Vanessa was okay...that he had saved her...them.

He knew they would be repeating this scenario again. It was an endless cycle of that Vanessa and Jay rode. Their guilt was a festering wound and no one, except each other could alleviate the pain of it and that would take some time.

X

Later that night the team arrived for their daily visit with news they had wrapped the case.

Voight looked directly at Vanessa, "Case is wrapped. All three are in custody. They still don't know you're cops. They thought you were trying to impinge on their territory."

Jay was drugged out but able to follow the conversation - the case was over. But details were lost in his addled mind until Voight dropped a welcomed truth bomb.

"Vanessa, Manny didn't set you guys up. He was a victim in this as much as you and Jay were."

So focused on Jay and his recovery, Vanessa hadn't even begun to mourn her friend, unsure how to mourn someone she thought had betrayed her. The news tweaked her sorrow for the loss of Manny but also alleviated the pain that her friend had betrayed her.

She took a shuddering breath and looked at Jay, letting her guilt ebb a little now that she knew the truth of it.

The corner of Jay's mouth twitched in a half smile as their eyes met and he squeezed her hand. He was hopeful Vanessa could let go of the guilt now and not feel responsible for what happened. He squeezed her hand again, silently encouraging her to let it go.

However, the new fact of the matter did nothing for his guilt. He still felt he should have done better, should have protected her.

He pushed the button for his pain meds. His guilt forcing his physical pain to the surface. He didn't meet anyone's eyes, just let his own flutter closed. He needed to escape the cold reality of his failure for just a little while.

Everyone in the room had seen the two differing reactions to the new information. Voight sighed. Vanessa was on the right path, guilt slipping away but Jay's they would have to work on and knowing Jay as he did, it would be an uphill battle.

He exchanged a look with Hailey where she sat next to Jay with her hand on her partner's forearm. Voight knew about their 'thing,' knew it had saved their asses time and time again and had no doubt it would work again especially since he knew Vanessa would invite herself to the party.