Guilt

"...think it's a Halstead thing."

2 Days later

They wanted to get Jay up and moving before they discharged him. At this point he had been taking trips to bathroom but that was as far as he had gone, as far as he wanted to go...walking was a bitch.

So after this morning's semi solo trip to the restroom, he had graduated to a walk in the hall. Vanessa announcing enthusiastically that she would be his walking buddy.

Jay smirked at Vanessa's declaration and then scowled as the nurse put non-slip socks on his feet. He was already in sweats and a t-shirt. There was no way in hell he was walking anywhere in a hospital gown, but those damn socks...

They hadn't gone far, maybe twenty feet from his room before turning around to head back. Jay had one hand on the IV pole and the other on the rail of the wall, slightly bent with a permanent wince on his face.

Vanessa walked silently beside him. She knew he was concentrating on taking one pained step at a time, which tweaked the fumes of guilt that still lingered.

She was lost in those guilt tinged thoughts when she heard the quiet, "Vanessa...Vanessa..."

Looking up at Jay then, she was practically bowled over by the pain radiating from him. He started to go down...hand sliding down the IV pole on his decent, only to lose his grip when he hit the PCA box.

Jay was a big guy, especially compared to Vanessa, and it took all of her strength to bring him down sitting ass to heels instead of face to floor. Leaning him against the wall and gently holding him in place with a crooked hug, she screamed for help and even though she practically yelled in his ear, Jay didn't even react.

Living in a world of hurt, Jay was unaware of the action swirling around him, he breathed in and out through his nose trying not to pass out, eyes scrunched closed as the pain rolled through his body in waves.

A nurse and orderly came running and with minimal help from Jay, got him into a wheelchair while Vanessa anxiously supervised, not taking her eyes off him as he groaned and winced at the movements.

Keeping her hand on Jay's shoulder as they rolled him back to his room, her heart leapt into her throat when his body sagged and his chin hit his chest just as they crossed the threshold, his body finally succumbing to the pain.

Vanessa watched from the end of the bed as Jay's nurse arrived and together with the other nurse and orderly, moved a floppy, unconscious Jay back into bed.

While changing his IV, the nurse was quietly scolding an unconscious Jay for walking farther than she authorized, surprising Vanessa that there was a limit to the length of the walk.

Even though she had tears in her eyes as she looked at her unconscious coworker, she stated the obvious to anyone who knew Jay, "Figures he would push himself too far."

The nurse chuckled, "...think it's a Halstead thing."

Lips tweaking in a sad smile, Vanessa's worry overwhelmed her, "Did he hurt himself? Is something wrong? He was getting better. He..."

The nurse smiled at Jay's sidekick, "He didn't hurt himself and everything is status quo. His IV infiltrated so he hasn't been getting his pain meds."

"Oh...okay..."

The nurse touched her shoulder as she left the room, "It's okay sweetie. He'll be fine."

She nodded absentmindedly, eyes not leaving Jay. His face was still a mixture of yellow, green, black and blue bruises, but he looked peaceful.

She shook herself out of her stupor and without thinking, pulled the blankets loose that were covering Jay's feet and pulled off the nonslip socks that he despised then tucked his feet in and resumed her watch over Jay from the comfort of the recliner, her hand automatically reaching for his.

X

The next day

"Still feel guilty?"

She shrugged her shoulders. Manny didn't lure them into a trap, but Jay was still hurt because of her. Yes. She still felt guilty.

"No..."

He winced as he sat up straighter, then smirked, "You know I'm a detective right? ... and you're a terrible liar, right?"

Harrumphing, she turned the tables. "You still feel guilty?"

Vanessa saw the cloud cross his face before he tucked it away behind his bruised and battered undercover mask.

She expected him to lie but he didn't.

"Ya..." He looked at her and sighed. "Ya..."

Jay couldn't help but feel guilty, it was warranted. He should have protected her and he failed.

She looked him in the eye, "You know, if you hadn't been there...gone with me, I would be dead..."

He knew there was some truth to that but stayed silent, Vanessa had still been hurt. He had still failed her.

"...with a bullet hole between the eyes...just like Manny."

Jay cringed. She said it matter of factly because, yes, it was a fact. She would be dead. He sucked in a breath, a layer of the guilt peeling away as he closed his eyes, grateful he had followed his gut and gone with her that day.

He kept his eyes closed and calmly breathed...in and out, in and out, but that didn't stop the tears from gathering behind his lids and eventually leaking from the corner of his eyes and into his hair as he pushed his head into the pillow.

A tremble ran through him as he thought again what would have happened if he hadn't followed his gut.

Vanessa watched Jay as he tried to calm down and bury the feelings he was trying and failing not to show.

He felt the bed dip by his right hip but kept his eyes closed, guts still twisting on what could have happened.

"I'm okay Jay...you came with me...I'm still here...because of you."

He blew out a breath and opened his eyes giving the tears free rein to fall.

She smiled at him through her own tears and scooched closer when he nodded his head.

Whether he was agreeing with her or giving her the go-ahead to what she wanted Vanessa didn't know, but she leaned forward and hugged him anyway, then loosened her grip a bit when he stiffened and hissed in pain.

"Oh no...sor..."

He chuckled and hugged her back, her head tucked under his chin.

"'t's okay..."

They stayed that way for awhile until the tears leaking from Jay's eyes started to tickle where they dropped into her hair.

She leaned back and rubbed her head with a laugh and watched him rub his eyes with heel of his hands, releasing a quiet but frustrated groan at not being able to dam the tears.

He dropped his hands and swallowed hard, then tweaked one side of his mouth in a half smile as he wiped the tears from her face with his thumb.

"I'm glad you're okay Vanessa."

She leaned in for another hug, mindful of his injuries this time, "I'm glad you're okay too."

They held the hug longer this time. Her head against his chest and tucked under his chin. Everything that needed to be said was said.

"You know..."

"You're still not driving my truck, V."

XXXXXXX

THE END!