Guilt

"He was in pain..."

2 days later

She had never been so grateful to have a concussion. She was off duty for the foreseeable future, so while the team continued to track down the animals that ambushed them, she was left on Jay duty. She hadn't left the hospital after she was 'officially' released, just moved herself down to Jay's step-down room after they transferred him out of the ICU.

Jay had been waking up more and more, awareness lasting longer every time. She was getting impatient. She wanted him to stick around in the conscious world...it'd be proof that he would be okay...she could apologize...again. She didn't think they were sticking, the other apologies she gushed every time he woke up. She needed him to get better. She needed him to know how sorry she was.

XXXXXXX

She had only left to go to the restroom. When a nurse came out of his room, she thought the coast was clear to go back in. But it wasn't. The coast wasn't clear by a long shot.

Vanessa poked her head around the curtain first and then her body followed. The tears started immediately as she froze, eyes glued to Jay's naked torso, blankets pulled to just under his belly button, wishing she could unsee what she was seeing.

So many things registered that her mind couldn't sort them into something that made sense. Another nurse was changing the bandages from the surgery to fix his spleen. Four red incisions, held together by black stitches. His naked chest and belly were covered with bruises in various shades of black and blue.

The bruising was so beyond dark she didn't think it was possible. One of her first thoughts was if there was that much blood under the surface of his skin, how much did he have pumping through the rest of his body.

She hadn't even realized that the nurse had left and jumped when Will touched her arm. She looked up at him for a moment, tears rolling, then focused back on Jay, blankets pulled up to his chest again. She covered her mouth to hold in the sob, but it was just there just the same. She looked at Will again, desperation on her face.

He rubbed her shoulder and then gave it a gentle squeeze, "Vanessa..."

She looked up at him, sucked in a breath and turned back to Jay.

"Hey..." Will turned her body so she had to face him, "He's going to be okay. It looks bad...but really Vanessa he'll be okay."

She pulled her lips in, her eyes were drawn back to the bed when Jay released an agonizing groan. He weakly arched off the bed to alleviate the pain, but that just seemed to ratchet it up.

Jay's jaw was clenched and his bruised face was twisted in pain, "Mmmm..."

Will was at his side in a heartbeat, hand resting on the side of Jay's head.

"Shhh. It's okay...pain meds are coming."

He sucked in a stuttering breath that sounded like the wind up to a sob but the meds took him before it could escape leaving Will and Vanessa engulfed in worry and Vanessa drowning in guilt.

X

The next day

Vanessa had been sitting by Jay's bed nonstop. She was still on pain meds since her head was killing her, but she would rather be here, snoozing in the recliner than at home in her own bed.

It had been three days since they had been ambushed and she had been plagued by nightmares where Jay died every time. A surge of guilt would wake her up but seeing him laying there, heart monitors beeping, his warm hand in hers, reminded her that this was the reality, not the hell of the nightmare.

Stepping to the bed when he huffed out a breath and sucked in another. She could see his pain was increasing in the twist of his battered face and wondered if the pain meds weren't working or if something was wrong...

"Jay..."

"Mmmm..."

He didn't mean for the groan to escape, he didn't want Vanessa to know he was in pain but he couldn't find the button for the PCA.

Seeing Jay's hand weakly slide on the bed under the blanket, she understood what was happening and rushed to the other side, finding the button jammed between the bed and the rail.

She pushed it immediately, "Hold on Jay...I pushed the button...just a sec..."

Gently putting the button in his hand, she fastened the clip to the sheet nearby so it didn't get away from him again.

His face was scrunched up and he was in so much pain, she silently begged the meds to kick in.

"Nnnn..." he groaned through his clenched jaw, weakened body curling in on itself trying to suffocate the pain but not succeeding.

Awkwardly rubbing his shoulder, she looked to the door, wishing a nurse would come in, "Shhh...shhh...it's okay. Hold on."

Finally he stilled and the pain slipped from his face and he was out, a relieved sigh escaping his lips. She adjusted the button in his fingers, making sure they were curled around it and then sobbed, putting her head on the rail as she held his hand.

Will chose that moment to come in and seeing her stress rushed to the bed. His eyes scan the monitors and finding nothing amiss.

"Vanessa?"

Putting her head up, she wiped the tears and snot from her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt as she tried to catch her breath.

She swallowed and shook her head, "He was in pain..."

Will nodded in understanding. Jay being hurt was killing the young officer. He was told by Hailey that Vanessa believed it was her fault.

She continued after pulling in a shaky breath. "I didn't realize he didn't have the button...he couldn't...he didn't..."

Will rounded the bed and even though he didn't know Vanessa well, he knew Jay looked at her like a little sister, 'you ever tell her I said that I will lock you in the cage.'

He enveloped her in a Halstead hug, patting her back and letting her get it all out.

XXXXXXX

Every time Jay woke up and had a modicum of awareness, his head automatically rolled to his right...searching for Vanessa in the chair. She was always there but this time she wasn't and his heart hitched, believing that she hadn't lived after all, that he had been drifting in a hopeful lie.

Will immediately saw what was happening and tried unsuccessfully to talk his little brother through it but Jay didn't calm down until Vanessa returned and put her hand on his cheek, turning his head to her...

He blinked at her and weakly wrapped his hand around her little wrist, "Vanessa..."

"Ya Jay. I'm here. I'm okay."

He slowly sucked in a breath as his eyes fluttered closed, hand dropping from her wrist, assured she was okay...hoping she was okay and it wasn't a dream.