Lost in the Flames

It Should've Been Me

I am currently loosing my mind. Brian has been in surgery for an hour and a half but, times doesn't seem to be moving. His mom is sitting across from me filling out papers, well, soaking them with her tears as her husband rubs her back with a pained expression on his face.

I haven't moved in 2 hours. I have sat in this same position ever since we've arrived. My legs are pressed against my chest and my chin in between my knees. I have millions of thoughts rushing through my mind but only one hurts me; What if Brian doesn't make it?

I would die. I really would. I have spent my whole life with him and I just can't think of him not being in the rest of it. I wish it would've been me. This is all my fault. All of it. If I hadn't of been so selfish and self consumed in my own pity and pain, he would be in my room eating cherries and trying to tie a cherry-stem knot in his mouth. But, instead of living life, he is scared of it. He is in an unfamiliar room full of unfamiliar faces pulling a bullet out of his stomach.

"Where is he? Is he okay?" Avory's voice shouts through the hospital waiting room. "I need to see him!"

I don't move an inch, not even a muscle as the skinny, shaky body stands in front of me.

"Ally. W-whats going on?"

I stay silent. I don't care about anything. Not until I know Brian is okay and, right now, I don't know if he will be.

My eyes glare up at hers and she begins to cry. Not a balling, tantrum cry, but a quite, lifeless cry.

I don't know why she is so upset. She doesn't even know him.

Calm down Ally.

How can I?

By not blaming this on yourself.

But this is my fault.

"Mrs. Hart?" The short nurse asks as she walks into the cold waiting room.

She stands as if she just won the lottery. "Yes."

"We have gotten your son in stable condition. He will have to stay here for the next 2 days but, he is expected to be okay," she looks down at the clipboard in her hands.

Mrs. Hart hugs Mr. Hart with so much happiness that I can see a bright light hovering over them.

"C-can we see him?" Mrs. Hart asks between sniffles.

"He won't be awake for another 3 hours but, of course," the nurse with the name tag: Brigitte smiles.

The three of them eagerly stand but, I can't seem to move.

"I'm sorry but, 1 at a time if not a relative," the nurse pulls a long face.

"We're his parents," Mr. Hart gestures toward himself and his wife.

The nurse nods and Avory sits beside me.

"I can understand what you're going through. I'm sorry," she whispers.

Brian is in there without me, but, he has his mom and da-.

"Ally?" She turns to me.

I look over at her.

"You have no idea what I'm going through," I state plainly.

Her eyes widen slightly. "You don't mean that. You're going through a lot, you should get some food or sleep."

"Please Avory," I roll my eyes. "I'm not leaving without Brian. Period!" I state.

The room goes quiet, too quiet.

She stands slowly and sits at the other end of the waiting room.

Another agonizing hour of misery passes. Same feeling; nothing.

What have I done?

"Avory. Ally, you can see him. If he wakes up, can you tell him we love him. We'll be back tomorrow morning, there isn't anything more we can do," Mrs. Hart kisses my forehead and she and her husband leave.

Avory stares at me before she quickly walks to see him. I still don't see why she's so concerned, I understand being worried but, I mean, Danni isn't here. Neither should she be.

Stop being so territorial.

Don't tell me what to do.

About 30 minutes and Avory walks past the waiting room and to the front desk. She talks to the receptionist before turning around and walking towards me. She stops at the door, nods and leaves.

I move from my position that has been apart of me for the past 4 hours. My legs are weak and my bones ache. All of the pain of sitting in that position are pushed behind me as I step into his room.

He lays on the small hospital bed with a pillow perfectly under his head. The blackets are prestigiously placed up to his chest and he is laying on his back.

He looks normal. Dead almost.

I pull a small chair from the waiting room and set it right next to his bed before sitting down in it.

I place his limp hand in mine.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper. "I've seen movies and I have read books so, I know you can hear me. When you wake up you'll pretend like you didn't but I know you can," I try to laugh but all that comes out is a choked back cough from not talking.

"This is all my fault. Brian, I'll never forgive myself and, if you do, I'll punch you. I don't know what I would do without you. Nothing I guess. I have spent the last 4 hours in a hospital chair and, if you weren't here, that's what I'd do until I died. I really would. You know me well enough to know I'm not lying. I'm not going to give some sob story but, I will tell you this. I'm sorry Brian," I stop tears as they prick at the corners of my eyes. "I'm sorry."

I rest my forehead on his arm and I swear I can feel his hand lightly squeeze mine.

"I'm not leaving here without you. I hope you know that. Never," I kiss his cheek.

His eyes open slowly and a side smile plays across his face.
"I know."

I let out a huge breath and my heart begins beating again.