Hello, Goodbye

part 20

It's been a while.

I went to homecoming with Sam...
But so much has happened since.
My mental health took a huge dip.
A therapist told me I won't make it to 20 if I carry on the way I have. What makes it even worse; My mental health had affected Sam too. My Sam.

Sam and I had been dating for a few years and the day after his birthday I found out I was pregnant.

I sat on the floor nervously tapping my foot against the cold tiles. I missed 2 periods. I didn't think much of the first one that I missed but after I missed the second one I had no choice but to buy a test.

I took it just a few minutes ago and now I'm waiting for the results. I could feel the fear infecting my throat. Its getting harder to breathe with every second. I heard my phone timer go off and jumped up, flipping over the test to reveal the results.

2 lines. I'm pregnant. I can't be pregnant. This can't be happening. I'm only 19! Sam and I have only been dating for 3 years. We aren't ready for a baby. I'm still depressed! I can't look after a kid! I'll mess it up! I felt the tears sting my cheeks as I held my head in my hands. My dad's going to be so mad. He's going to kill me.

Pull yourself together Maddie. I stood up, washing my face in the sink and wiping my fave once more before stepping out of the bathroom and walking into my room. I looked out the window and into Sam's room. He's going to hate me. I'm not even 19 yet what am I supposed to do?

Stepping out of the window, I took a deep breath. As I reached his window I tapped on it giving him a warning I'm coming in.

I climbed through the window and saw him laying in his bed, his back facing me. "Sam?" I asked while walking towards him, as I got closer I saw the red stains on his sheets. "Sam?!" I gasped while pulling back the sheets. His wrist had 4 deep cuts on them, all bleeding out. "Come on, wake up!" I cried out while shaking him and trying to apply pressure to the wounds. "SARAH!" I screamed out for his mum as tears fell down my cheeks.

"HELP!" I sobbed while holding him close to me, "wake up! Sam! Wake up!" Tears fall down from my cheeks and onto his lifeless body. I hear the door swing open and see Mrs Johnson stood at the door.

"Help! His wrists! He- he's bleeding! Please!" I sobbed hysterically while looking at her
Praying she would know what to do. She ran over to the other side of the bed and took his wrist, checking his pulse.

"Sweet heart go home. I'm taking him to the hospital." She instructed before calling out for her husbands help. "No I can't! I'm coming with you!" I let out another sob while holding onto him tightly.

I looked towards the door and saw Jessica stood at the door frame watching. "Jess..." I mumbled as I loosened my grip on Sam.

"Let's get out of here.." I spoke softly while getting up and leading her into her room. I looked down at my clothes and saw that I was covered in blood.

"Whats wrong with Sam?" She asked while hugging me tightly. "He's gonna be okay... he'll be alright..." I repeated over and over but the more I said it the less I believed it, I felt my knees underneath me as I collapsed.

I heard Mr Johnsons voice from outside the room, "Jessica? Your grandma's on her way over to watch you. Maddie do you want to go in the ambulence with him or do you want to drive up with me?" He asked but I couldn't get my words out I just hugged my knees and rocked myself back and forth.

"Amb-ambulence" I managed to get out. As if on cue I heard the sirens coming from down the road.

Within a matter of moments I watched as the paramedics carried Sam out and into the ambulence.

"One person can come in the ambulance. Who is it?" A paramedic asked as I looked at Sarah. Before I could say anything she was telling me to go in. I sat there holding his hand as paramedics began trying to slow the bleeding.

I wasn't listening to anything, I just kept looking at him. One specific thing stuck out to me though. "Time of death, 11:43pm."
Death? No. It can't be. It can't be true. They are lying! I looked between all of them as they tried to take my hand away from his so they can cover him up but I didn't let go.

"There's not anything you can do?" My voice broke as I tried to fight back the tears. I noticed the sirens had turned off.

"Im sorry... we can't do anything..he lost too much blood... maybe if we were at the hospital we would have been able to because we would've had more supplies but there's nothing else we could have done.." a women sat next to me on the bench.

I rested my head against the stretcher and let out a sob."I just found out I'm pregnant... I need him..." I sniffed while looking at his lifeless body. I felt a hand on my back and looked up to see the paramedic pulling me into a hug.

I never had felt so alone in my life then that moment. I ended up pregnant at 18 with no boyfriend.
And it was all my fault. My mental health was the reason his got worse. I had tried to kill myself 3 times before that. Each time he was there. He was the one who found me 2 of the times and he was traumatised from it. I was selfish.

If it wasn't for my son, I'd be dead right now too. I still wish I was but I couldn't do that. He's only 2. And that makes me, 20 going on 21. I proved my therapist wrong. It may of been the hardest few years of ny life. But I proved them wrong. I'm still here. And I don't plan on leaving any time soon.