affection

twenty nine

sunday

"hey, blue?"

kai groans as he forces his eyes open, propping himself up on his elbows as his eyes adjust to the light.

"mmh?"

his boyfriend flops down beside him, clearly having been up for a lot longer than he has. "i never asked about your family, what's new?"

this question jolts him awake, "uh, good morning to you too."

elliot doesn't laugh, or smile. he just sits there, head tilted in concentration awaiting the next words that will leave his lips as if it's the most important thing on the planet.

"okay, uh..." his voice fails him as he trails off, then continues, "my mom's pregnant, which is probably why eric is in such a hurry to get married to her. y'know, to make sure it has a stable family or whatever."

he feels a hand on his, soothing circles into his palm and he smiles, grateful for the gesture. his boyfriend still says nothing, not daring to interrupt while the other is opening up. kai admits to himself that silence is welcome, but he no longer wants to hide behind unspoken thoughts and words.

"she still drinks, but i suppose she's going to have to stop now."

finally, elliot speaks up, "do you think she loves eric?"

"i don't spend enough time around them to know, but she seems happier." as the words leaves his mouth, he receives a text from his mom, asking where he is. "and that's my queue."

kai groans and sinks his body into the covers, the covers he's been sinking himself into for the last year. the covers he loves so much he can't possibly imagine not being able to sink into them, deeper and deeper, it's bliss.

the covers he so delicately touches, sneaks glances at and wants to keep for the rest of his life, the covers he obsesses over, the longing, the aching. coming home from a hard day and they're the only thing you want to see, want to touch, want to sink, sink and sink deep into. and he's sinking, right into his favourite covers...

but his bliss is quickly ripped away. by his favourite covers.

"get up." elliot snorts, and kai just grins at him.

"but i'm sinking." he draws out, "for you."

his boyfriend frowns, "what?"

kai swiftly pulls off the covers and stands, laughing, "don't worry about it."

"you're so weird."

...

his mother is sitting alone at the table when he gets home. kai hands her some flowers, along with a blank card he didn't have time, or a pen, to write into. the card reads on the front 'congratulations.' because he didn't know what else to get, he wasn't sure what would be appropriate, he didn't know what to say.

to speak or not to speak, or something like that.

she thanks him anyway.

"where's eric?" he asks, cautiously.

"conference meeting, preparing for exams tomorrow."

kai pauses, "there's exams tomorrow?"

he was joking, but his mother didn't laugh. in fact, she didn't do anything but half-smile, at the table; not to him. he grows worried, so he takes a seat opposite her, the chair scrapes loudly as he tucks himself in.

she opens the card slowly, and stares at the front for a moment, and then two.

"do you really mean that?" she says, suddenly.

kai frowns, "yeah, i do."

"please, kai." she sighs, she sounds tired, "please just be honest."

he sits in silence for a moment, and then two.

"i didn't. i was worried that he would leave, and things would be bad again..." he pauses, she doesn't really look at him. "but he hasn't, so yeah, i mean it now. i'm happy if you are."

"do you really mean that?"

kai is firm with his next answer, "yes, mom. i mean that."

her shoulders drop, as if she's let a thousand weights drop. finally, she looks relieved, convinced that her son is not going to further complicate things. relieved that he'll take the news as a positive instead of consistently seeing everything as negative. relieved that maybe, just maybe, her family won't be broken anymore and they will finally be happy.

kai doesn't dare tell her the truth, that he's still scared that things may get worse again. that eric will leave, or that she will start drinking again. or worse, the future of this baby.

"i think i was used to it being just us. maybe i preferred it that way, but i'm growing."

his mom finally smiles and it's real.

"i just wish you would've told me how you felt from the start."

kai looks down, "i couldn't."

now frowning, concern laces her voice, "but why not?"

he stays silent.

"this again?" she asks, hesitantly. she didn't say it harshly, but rather delicately, as if he would break if those words were spoken any louder.

his face heats up and he nods. he didn't want to tell her this, not after how it broke his family the first time, but how couldn't she it?
 
"i had a feeling..." she trails off, giving him a sad smile, "i didn't to say anything in case i made it worse."

kai frowns, it was already worse.

"i have an idea." she says, standing abruptly from her chair, he follows her curiously.

she disappears for a few seconds and returns with a half empty bottle of wine. his eyes widen, is she...celebrating? with alcohol?

linda laughs at his reaction, and takes his hand, guiding him to the kitchen.

she hands him the bottle and the pair stop in front of the sink.

"pour it away." she nods in reassurance, giving him a warm smile.

so, kai does just that. the red liquid splutters out the bottle neck, the sound growing loud before it quietens down as there's less and less in the bottle.

finally, it's gone. he isn't sure if he feels glad, or if he still has suspicions about more bottles lying hidden somewhere in the house.

kai pulls out his wallet, tearing out a photo from inside the folds. he narrows his eyes at the photo, debating if he wants to do this.

he hands her the photo with trembling hands, along with a blue lighter.

all he does is dwell on the past, on what could have been or should have been. the rock hard wall he puts up is built with the memories of his childhood, and everything he regrets.

it's time to stop.

"go ahead." he says simply, but his eyes are glossing over.

linda offers him another one of her sad smiles, but nods as she understands why. noah and kai's dad stares back at her with him in the middle.

she lights the corner and it burns brightly, crackling as it spreads over the paper. she drops it in the sink to watch the flames the fizzle out, leaving the photograph in fragments of ashes.

"to new beginnings?" his mother asks, nudging his shoulder with her own.

kai nods, "to new beginnings."

...
wc: 1170
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kai trying to fix his relationship with his mom is wholesome but sad...