to see you smile - avatrice

chapter 9

Ava is waiting for Beatrice on her front steps when she and Brutus get back from their "walk". Well, Brutus would call it a walk. Beatrice is pretty sure it barely qualified as exercise, but whatever. Ava looks nervous as hell, and she's worried before she even gets in the gate. Ava flies to her feet and glares at her when she does make it in the gate. Brutus, the traitor ('et tu, Brutus?'), flops himself at Ava's feet.

"So, Lilith asked Camila out, and now it's been months of them dating" Ava begins. "Which is awesome, because they've been in love forever. Well, as long as I've known them. And Camila is a literal angelic cinnamon roll, and Lilith is secretly a cinnamon roll, deep, deep down and it's going to be amazing. But... Camila was so sure that Lilith wasn't into her. Like, we had long involved drunken conversations about being into these people that weren't into us and how pining was fine and we'd deal and turns out that Camila's wasn't one sided. And I'm kind of... Happy for them and everything, but also pissed off, because I want to be in love with someone who's in love with me and I also don't want to because I'm... fuck. Lots of reasons. Love is horrifying and scary and I always, always fuck it up mainly because it wasn't love those times but- but this time it really fucking is. But I'm basically swinging between happy and pissed off and drinking wine and then I decided to come and yell at you or hug Brutus. Or both. So." And then she throws herself on the ground and hugs Brutus.

Beatrice just stands there for a bit, trying to process everything that's happening on her front lawn, because it's kind of a lot for almost 9pm on a Thursday. In fact, it's been a kind of intense few months. And slowly, surely, the trickle down happens, and one salient point rests in front of her brain.

"So... I'm hearing a lot of talk about you being secretly in love with someone here," Beatrice says, trying to sound lighthearted and best-friend-like and not like a serial killer about to wear the crushes skin which is what Beatrice thinks she sounds like right now. "And I feel like, as your best friend, there should have been some sort of gossip girl confession." Ava glares at her.

"You're a fucking asshole, you know that?" Ava throws at her, without letting go of Brutus. "You're a fucking... You're just a fucking asshole and I don't know why I like you at all." Which is probably not inaccurate but it's also not an answer to her question.

"Okay, well, I'll go first then. I, too, am secretly pining for someone. It's shitty. I hate it. But I also love having said person in my life and don't want to make it weird. It's a hard balance," Beatrice says, and she definitely sounds like a serial killer. Why oh why did she have to pick the time she actually might have the balls to tell Ava that she's in love with her to sound like a fucking serial killer? Ava glares at her.

"You need to shut up right now," Ava snaps. "Because I don't want to hear about how you're secretly in love with some bitch from work. Probably that bitch on the front desk who gives me the stink eye. Seriously, look at you. Everything about you. If you just asked her out, you'd have a girlfriend and I'd be baby-sitting your dog on your honeymoon." Beatrice isn't sure exactly what's happening anymore. Are they fighting? Are they not fighting? Are they kinda flirting ? Does this count as flirting? Does she actually not know she's in love with Ava? Does she know and just not want to hear it? Is she incredibly confused? Is it... it sounds vaguely like Ava thinks Beatrice is crushing on someone who isn't even Ava. But... again...

"You keep saying things about how I'm a catch. It's not... You know that's not... I'm not... I'm just me," Beatrice says, sitting down on the other side of Brutus. Ava looks at her, still glaring. "You see me as more than I am. And it's one of the reasons that I love you. Am in love with you. So. That's... a thing. And has been a thing for a while. And it's fine. But... you should know that Lilith only asked Camila out because I was so pathetic and she didn't want to turn into me."

"If you're fucking with me, I'm going to murder you. Or myself," Ava tells her. "Because this is not funny." Beatrice nods slowly.

"No, I'm... it's a thing," Beatrice says. Saying the words again seems too hard right now. "It's okay if you don't feel the same. But... do you? Feel the same? I mean, it kind of sounded like you might."

There's this air of plausible deniability that's fading fast, and she's sitting on the front lawn of her house with the girl she loves and the dog she loves and she's pretty sure she's having an out of body experience, because she can't contain herself inside her corporeal form.

"You're- I can't," Ava tells her. "Just... you're a, you don't understand that's such an asshole thing- i-" Beatrice nods and looks at her feet. There was the chance that Ava would react this way, and she'd known that from the start. Ava's love life was a series of trainwrecks and she'd vowed never to date a friend because she didn't want to mess it up. And now... Well. Now it seemed their friendship had been ruined because Beatrice wanted to love more of Ava.

"Right," Beatrice replies. "That's fair. I'm just gonna...," She lets her voice trail off as she stands up. Ava didn't deny it, but... it doesn't matter. It's not going to happen. Beatrice gestures inside vaguely. "I'll leave you here with Brutus." She's doesn't look back at a floundering Ava. She picks her shattered heart up off the floor and goes inside, shutting the door softly behind her.

Sliding down the door, cradling her heart as a silent stream of tears make their way down her face. She figures that's what you get when you let your heart win.

•••••

She doesn't really remember what happens next, but at about one am she wakes up where she fell asleep on the couch with Brutus drooling on her chest and her front door closed. She can connect some dots.

She never thought she'd be 'that girl' that would call in sick over heartbreak. And she's not even really heartbroken. She's kind of proud of herself for actually, finally, saying something. But she really can't commit to giving 100% at work today, which might be fine for an accountant or an archivist, but not so great when you're dealing with the human psyche.

So she calls in sick.

She thinks about texting someone, or calling them, and telling them what happened. Camila, or Mary. But the sad truth of the matter is that she wants to call Ava and tell her about it. Brutus, however, makes an excellent moping companion, as it contains all of his favourite activities: eating, lazing about, and napping. Beatrice wonders if Ava has already told her mother that Beatrice was cheating on her with a Peruvian woman with 10 dogs.

She's guessing she won't be attending that wedding after all.