SSA Aaron Hotchner is stepping down from his Unit Chief position for a 6-month period due to an assignment in overseas. To his temporary replacement comes SSA Alexandra Barnes, Chief of the Child Abductions Unit. Both Hotchner and Barnes have their...
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Two months passed, Christmas and New Years flew by, but Aaron and I still haven't found a place that matches what we want. We tried to give up on a few requirements, but the biggest problem we come across is that almost no one offers two parking spots, which is very needed.
So, tonight we are spending the night in my apartment. We are just getting in bed "I'm just saying maybe we should lower our standards or we'll never find an apartment" I suggest as he pulls me closer to him "I am willing to back down on open kitchen-living room if you back down on the number of bedrooms"
"No. We will find the perfect one" he says and kisses my head
"Why do you insist so much on having two room? What are we going to do with so much space?" I chuckle
"Maybe we'll need in the future" he answers and kisses me again.
But I freeze "Space? Space for what Aaron?" I ask as I sit up
"No, I don't mean--" he tries to correct it as he sits up with me
"No, you mean exactly that! God... Do I have to get my tubes tied in order for someone to believe me when I say I don't want children? I was very clear to you and you promised that you were ok with it"
"I am"
"Then why do you still bring it up? You're acting just like James did"
"Oh, don't compare me to him!".
"My mind will not change. End of discussion!" I raise my voice
"Lexie, will you shut up and listen?" he raises his voice as well. "I do not mean fill the rooms with children bedrooms! I could mean a guest room, or a home office. Did that even cross your mind?". "Of course it didn't, because you're always so pessimistic" he says, almost out of nowhere.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
He stays quiet this time. "Come on, Aaron, let it out. Let me hear why I'm so pessimistic" I insist
"You always assume the worst out of anybody, even me. Look what you just did. And it wasn't just now. You are constantly grasping onto every word I say in order to find a mistake and turn it against me; jump into your own bad conclusion. And frankly, I'm kind of tired of it. I don't want to have to think of my every sentence before I say it! You're not a fucking psychopath that I'm interrogating!" he lets it all out.
I freeze and I look at him almost in shook.
I'm kind of tired of it...
You're tiring. You're exhausting. You're too hard to love. Familiar voises return in my head.
"Wow, I didn't know you felt so pressured every time you talked to me" I say, avoiding his gaze.
"See? You just did it again! You ignored everything else and kept what you wanted from my words"
"Well, I'm sorry that my traumatized life has made me too cautious and that's inconvenient for you".
I get out of bed but he stops me from going further. "Don't guilt trip me now. I'm the one who's actually putting the work in this relationship. I understand you have trauma, I am patient but you have to put in some work too" he explains calmly, like there is nothing wrong to what he's saying.
"And you think I am not patient with you? You keep running around to 'take care of me' but some times that suffocates me. I'm not a fucking child! And I didn't ask you to fix me!" I yell
"I am just trying to help"
"No, you're scared of not doing well enough and being abandoned again" I shoot back at him, without caring if that'll hurt him
"No, I'm not!"
"Yes, you are!"
"Stop assuming the worst out of fucking everything! Not everyone and everything is against you! Truly trust someone for once!"
"You know very well that it's not that simple..."
"I've given you everything! What is there holding you from believing me?".
I don't speak. I feel guilty because I am not sure why I do this truly. It's just how I always am. Too careful, too shielded and even now that I thought I opened up, I haven't.
"I don't know..." I finally answer.
His phone starts ringing. He looks at it but doesn't answer. He walks to the living room and grabs his jacket.
"I have to go back to work, so let me know when you have figured it out, because I'm running out of patience" he says before leaving. The door slamming shut makes me to jump.
Running out of patience...? I thought we were happy. We were fine. I was happy... I was happy...
For how long has he been feeling so pressured by me? Why didn't he say anything before? We were getting ready to move in together and he was hiding all that. Was he just settling with me?
I slowly slide on the floor and my chest hurts. My eyes fill with tears as his words play over and over again in my mind.
"I'm kind of tired of it" Am I that exhausting to love? Am I too much? Too broken for anyone?
"Put in some work too" I am putting in work. I am slowly letting go. I have done progress and I was proud of it. He doesn't see that? Wasn't it enough for him to see? Am I not doing enough? Am I not enough?
"I'm running out of patience" Aaron Hotchner is running out of patience with me... That has to be a record, right?
I told him over and over that I want to let go and that I'm trying. He promised he'll be with me every step of the way.
And I'm trying my best... He promised that was enough. He made me feel I was enough. I felt safe and loved with him. But now he's gone too.
What happened to the 'I'm not here just for the good. I'm with you because I love you and I want you. The whole you. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the joy, the fears, the pain. I'm here for all of you'?
Tears roll down my face and I don't care who hears me sob. I try to drown that pain in my chest with the expensive whiskey Rossi had gotten me on my birthday last year.
I was saving it for a nice occasion but there don't seem to be any of them in my life. One more man just left because I am too much... Too hard to love...
Why am I like this? Why can't I just trust someone? Why does my brain has to make it so complicated? I don't want to be fucking cautious anymore! I'm tired too! I want to let myself go. I want to be fucking happy! Why do I keep sabotaging my own happiness? Why do others have it so easy? Why am I like this? Why!? I don't want to be like this anymore!
~~~
You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleeding...
