Long Journey || ATEEZ

Vapid

The ATINY stayed quiet for a few days more after Subin's funeral, a grim and solemn atmosphere coating the faces of each and every member of the crew.

Hongjoong didn't even have the heart to blame Cezanne. No, it had completely been his fault: his arrogance, his underestimation of the lengths that Cezanne would go to to get what she wanted. His fault for not training up his crewmates better for combat. His fault was that he let them board his ship in the first place.

The guilt weighed heavier on his shoulders than perhaps even San, thanks to his responsibilities as captain.

And he felt like breaking apart and giving up just because of it.

Seonghwa had, for the most part, recovered from his panic attacks, though occasionally he would sneak into Hongjoong's room and stay there until the first rays of dawn hit the sea, or join whoever was having their night shift, sometimes even offering to do it instead of them.

When the captain had confessed his doubts about the search for treasure, for the whole journey in general, on one of the nights where Seonghwa kept him company through the night for fear of the immobilising intrusions of his thoughts, the first mate gave a rather harsh response.

"Pull yourself together, Captain," Seonghwa said. "So, what? You want to give up just because one crew member died? Pull yourself the fuck together. This isn't the captain they want."

Hongjoong opened his mouth in protest, but Seonghwa flew out of his seat, what looked disappointment painting his face into a fiery scowl.

"You said it yourself, Hongjoong! There won't be much avoidance from killing once we become pirates. Didn't you think of it the other way around as well? Were you really that foolish?"

"Well maybe I didn't!" Hongjoong shouted, getting out of his seat as well. "Before everything, before you and before I had the bravery to even dream of my own aspirations, violence and all...all this shit was a whole universe away – things I'd only see in films or books! So how the fuck do you think I could have forsee this?" Hongjoong demanded.

"Well maybe if you'd been more aware of what a fucked up place the world is, you would have," Seonghwa said bitterly.

Hongjoong scowled, whilst his insides twisted painfully. It hurt. He'd wanted comforting words from Seonghwa, not this. He just wanted a place to lean on, a place to keep him afloat, just until he could find his own way again. It hurt.

But then again, perhaps this was the cold slap of reality he needed.

But the heat burning beneath his cheeks was blinding him as he spat out his next words.

"Maybe, because I'm a normal person, I didn't think of that!"

Seonghwa flinched at 'normal person', and took a step backwards. There was a hurt rippling in his yellow irises that immediately made Hongjoong regret his words and cringe away in shame. Then Seonghwa's face hardened, and his eyes were cold as he glared at Hongjoong.

"Well I'm sorry Big Grey took me in and forced me to be his weapon," the ex-assassin hissed, and left the room without another word.

* * *

And so there was silence between the captain and the first mate as the days progressed.

Both regretted their words, both wanted to apologise. But both were also stupidly stubborn, as one might say, and proud. They didn't have it in them to be the one to apologise first, even if they knew it was for the best.

They avoided each other like the plague, but they avoided San even more.

The boy could see auras; he'd know what was wrong straight away.