Long Journey || ATEEZ

Bonus Chapter IV : Soul

There have been many theories on where the 'soul' of a person is.

Some say it's in the brain, others say it's in the heart. Some people have even said it is in our Magik cores, but that theory was disproved by the existence of Dark Creatures, because our 'cores' are actually a part of the Shiver, the dark presence that made us this way. At least the theorists who said that actually think Dark Creatures have souls, cuz many people out there think otherwise.

I didn't really think much of it at first, but after we used Subin's Magik core to heal me, my whole perspective changed.

It's weird. There are times where I don't feel like myself. I've never really had an interest in the stars, apart from looking up at them on night shifts and thinking they were pretty, but nowadays I find myself naming a bunch of the constellations, pointing them out to Wooyoung and fangirling over them. He called me a nerd and usually, that would have offended me, but I found myself laughing along to it.

Sometimes when I see Hyeji, I feel an unbearable sense of guilt and longing. And no, it's not connected to my own guilt of having wrenched her best friend away from her, it's something else. Something that runs deep and is lodged somewhere in me like a shard of shrapnel. I don't know where it is, where it came from and how to get rid of it.

I don't have feelings for her, that's for certain, but something within me keeps reacting to her, pulling me to her.

It's almost like Subin never died – they're still alive, inside of me.

So I began to do lots of research on Hongjoongie-hyung's laptop, which he'd kept even after we set sail. I read loads and loads of scientific articles, but there was virtually nothing on Magik cores. It's because it's such an under-researched subject, and Yeosang's the only one who knows how to extract them.

In the end I had to ask Juyeong-hyung about it. He didn't know much about the subject, being a doctor and not a philosopher, but he did say he'd heard of patients who had heart transplants retaining the memories and personalities of the donor.

But I'm not sure how that explains my sudden knowledge of constellations and Subin's hazy memories of Hyeji. It wasn't like I had a Magik core transplant – all we did was use the energy from the core.

Juyeong-hyung seems to sympathise with the people who say the soul is in the Magik core. He says it is a key part of our beings – that we can't live without it. He also says that because we used Subin's Magik core to heal me, some of her essence that was embedded in it fused with my Dark Energy channels and stayed, and that's probably why I'm retaining some of her memories and feelings from life. I think I believe Juyeongie-hyung. What he says makes a lot of sense. But then again, most of what he says makes a lot of sense, cuz he's a doctor, and he's smart.

Whatever the case, it gives me a lot of comfort to think that way. To think that Subin is still alive – in a way – living through me, it lessens the guilt. Subin's life may have ended, and her spirit somewhere in Arai, but she's still here with us. It may be unnoticeable to everyone else, but at least I know that fact – and I'm definitely going to tell Hyeji about it, maybe it'd comfort her too. But then again, I don't know – it might not give her closure but make her long for something she can't have even more. I dunno.

Either way, Wooyoung's yelling at me to go upstairs for breakfast, so I guess I'll stop writing now. It's not like this little aura notebook is a diary anyway. It's just something I wanted to record. I might even write down more 'Subin experiences' when I get them!