honeysuckle ✔️

13 years old

Finding out you're in love changes your entire perspective on whoever you've fallen for. Throughout the school year, Rowan pondered more about his love. Was it platonic love? Or was it as if one says they love a type of food?

But the option that scared him was: Do he love love him?

That freaked him out more. Rowan had seen people say 'I love you' to each other before. Granted, his parents never said it to each other. Not even to him.

He'd seen other kids around the school began to have relationships. Boys would hold girls' hands and some would kiss on the cheeks or lips. Rowan also noticed that the boys getting girlfriends were the ones who were starting to get taller. And hairier. Their voices got deeper. They got stronger.

He found this out when several of the boys pinned Rowan in the locker room and taunted him for being short. During this new period of time, Rowan never grew. His voice never got deeper. And there was little to no hair growing anywhere. And thus, he began to feel self conscious.

Rowan was always ashamed of himself. First it was having dirty clothes. Then it was being too skinny. And now he's behind on everything.

What was worse now was that his father began to remember that he had to look after a kid. He stumbled into Rowan's room one night, completely drunk, and laid in bed with Rowan.

"Psst. Rowan?" He would slur to check if the boy was still asleep. Rowan was still asleep but began to awake when he felt a hand grabbing his bottom. He wanted to push his father away. But this was the only time when his father wasn't angry at him.

He laid in bed while his father violated him in ways that caused Rowan to throw up the next morning. Would Tanner call him disgusting if he found out about this?

This rarely happened. But when it did, Rowan was shaken up for days. This didn't help when people began to call him "Chihuahua" at school for being small and jumpy.

When Tanner did come, it seems that the puberty plague spread everywhere. Even in California. And Tanner was its newest patient.

Upon seeing him, Rowan noticed that Tanner was taller. Tanner was already taller than Rowan. But now, he's much taller. Rowan has to look up at Tanner. Tanner's hair was now more controlled and styled. And his voice.

It made Rowan quiver by how deeper it was now.

"Ro? Are you okay?" Tanner asked. What is Rowan supposed to say? He feels like he's falling behind. That everyone is growing up and he'll be stuck as a child!

"Yeah. I'm okay." Rowan tried to sound like he was fine. But he wasn't.

"I know you're upset. What is it about?" Tanner asked. Dammit! Rowan should've known that Tanner would be able to read him by now.

"It's just- you're bigger now. Everyone at school is getting bigger and I'm still short. Am I doing something wrong?" He asked.

"My teacher told me that puberty is different for everyone. Some get it earlier. Others are late bloomers." Tanner said.

"Late bloomers?" Rowan asked. No one ever told him about that.

"Yeah. Late bloomers. People who go through puberty later in life. You'll still go through it. You just have to be patient." Tanner explained. But Rowan didn't want to wait. He wants to grow now! So he could be able to relate with Tanner.

Rowan now feels like he's a child hanging out with an adult.

Maybe that's why his father touches him. Because of how young he looks.

"Will I also get taller?" Rowan asked.

"Most likely. You won't be that short forever." Tanner said but that caused Rowan to look down at himself and hate his height. "Ro, listen to me. You're beautiful the way you are. It doesn't matter how tall you are or what you wear. I think your fucking beautiful." Tanner told Rowan.

Tanner didn't understand the full weight of his words. But to Rowan, who has discovered he's in love with him, his words stuck inside. He could feel his cheeks heating up. And Tanner saw this but just assumed the smaller boy was embarrassed.

"You really think that?" Rowan asked.

"Mmhmm. You're so beautiful. You're the best person ever!" Tanner hugged Rowan and picked him up a bit off the ground.

It was silent once again. He's beautiful. Rowan is beautiful. Why is that so hard to believe for him? He doesn't feel beautiful. He feels disgusting. Everything about him is disgusting.

But if Tanner says he's beautiful, then he is!

"Oh my gosh! I forgot to tell you!" Tanner jumped up. Ro saw the excitement and jumped up too. "So, there's someone in California."

"Uh-huh!" Rowan said.

"I think I like this girl!" Tanner said. This single sentence broke Rowan. The boy wanted to crawl away and hide himself and cry. But he knows that's stupid. Tanner doesn't know he likes him. But it stings a little to know that the person you love likes someone else.

"Oh." Is all Rowan said. He made sure to hide his pain.

"She's amazing! She has hair like yours!" Now Rowan is being compared to someone else. "And her skin is soft! But not as soft as yours." Tanner explained. Surely it was a coincidence that the girl he likes is a female version of Rowan, right?

"W-What's her name?" Rowan asked. He hid his jealousy. Was Tanner now going to replace him? Would they stop hanging out because Tanner would rather be in California with his girl?

"Her name is Lana. She's so pretty! We talk all the time and hold hands! I'm gonna ask her to be my girlfriend when I come back!" Tanner said, daydreaming of his girl.

For the first time, Tanner was looking forward to going home. In the past five years, Tanner never wanted to leave Sunriver. Because then he would leave Rowan alone. But now, he wants to go home and ask out the girl he likes.

Rowan cried that night once again. Tanner had indirectly made him cry. He sobbed into his pillow and wondered why Tanner didn't love him. Not once did he ever see two boys holding hands and kissing. It was only a boy and girl.

Now Rowan questioned if he was normal. Was it wrong for him to want to hold a boy's hand? He'd been accustomed to seeing boy-girl relationships that his thoughts of boy-boy one's seem unnatural. Odd, in a way. And definitely not normal. Rowan was the one with the problem, he thought.

Tanner was in love with a girl. That's normal. Rowan was in love with a boy. That's not normal.

Rather than tell Tanner his feelings, he kept them inside. He didn't tell Tanner on his day of departure that he was in love. He didn't run after the car and shout his proclamation.

No. Instead, he cowered and stood on the sidewalk as Tanner drove down the road where he would meet a girl. Rowan? How would meet his father's hand on his privates that night? By residing into a dark place within his mind. That's how he handles his problems.

------

bye! i love you all!

<3