When summer started up again, Rowan vowed to never reveal his feelings to the other. His biggest fear was telling Tanner that he was in love with him and ruining their long friendship. It still baffles them both how long they’ve kept this tradition. Almost 10 years. And with no end in sight.
For now.
When Rowan was told his mother had died from an overdose, he figured that was the perfect way his mother would die. Did he cry? A little. But he never formed an emotional attachment to the woman. She’s just a junkie that used her son for drugs and ordered him around. He also didn’t bother to tell his father. Well, step father. Rowan has yet to find his real father, so he claims.
Rowan was reverted back into his dark corner when the boys at school kept asking him where his mom was. They didn’t actually know that his mom was dead. They just knew that his mom wasn’t in the picture. Thus, a new reason to bully him came around.
His father also began berating him. He assumed that Rowan was gay despite not having evidence. The cuts on his thighs continued at that point.
And his mind began to wander to dark places. Places that were so far deep that he wondered if he would ever escape. These thoughts plagued his young mind. They would often consist of leaving this place. Not leaving this place. Leaving this place.
He thought of death. And the sweet relief that would come with it. And he broke down when he told Tanner about this.
“Tanny.” Rowan said. His voice quivered at the confession he was soon to make. All these bottled up feelings will come pouring out.
“Ro! Yeah? What’s up?” Tanner asked. His voice was once again deeper. And just last month he’d used his dad’s razor to shave off his small stubble on his face. Rowan kind of misses Tanner’s soft face but did admit he looked even more attractive with the shaved stubble.
“I-I don’t want to live anymore.” Rowan collapsed on the floor and started crying his eyes out.
“Don’t say that, Ro!” Tanner won’t lie. He expected this kind of behavior from Rowan eventually. There is no way that someone goes through that much trauma and feels totally fine. He just didn’t expect Rowan to hold out this long.
“No one cares for me! Only you and Aunt Ava! But I only see Aunt Ava at night and you for two months! Everyone else hates me or acts like I don’t exist! I don’t want to do this anymore!” Tanner pulled Rowan to his chest and both cried.
Tanner couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Of course he knew about Rowan’s struggle. But he wanted to die! Rowan is too young!
“I’m sorry I’m not here enough, Ro!” Tanner cried into the boy’s head. “But please don’t leave me! You have no idea how much you mean to me! If you die, I don’t think I could continue living!” Tanner said all this will every ounce from his heart. And Rowan ate it up.
“It’s just for two months!! There are 10 other months where I’m without you! I can’t do it anymore! My mom is dead! My father hates me! The kids at school bully me!” Rowan was letting it out. His shorts accidentally rode up and Tanner was met with the cuts on his thighs.
“Ro! Did you do this to yourself?!” He frantically rubbed his scars lightly, careful not to make Rowan feel any more pain.
“Mmhmm.” Rowan was able to muster out while sobbing. Tanner was hugging him from behind, his arms clutched around Rowan’s frail body.
“Ro! Please! Don’t do this anymore! I’m sorry I wasn’t here enough! I wish you could come with me to California! But mom and dad won’t let you come! I’m so sorry, Ro!” Tanner cried into Rowan’s neck. The sniffles came after a long crying session.
Rowan had done it. He confessed that he wanted to die. He confessed it to the one person who understands him. Tanner reached behind him to the honeysuckle bush and pulled off a flower. He fed the nectar to Rowan who accepted the small gesture.
Rowan ended up falling asleep in Tanner’s arms. Something he’s wished to do since he first met him. His sleep, combined with Tanner and after all that crying, was heavenly.
Tanner stayed up and listened to Rowan’s breathing to make sure he didn’t die. If he was being honest, he’ll have to walk on eggshells around Rowan from now on. Make sure that Rowan understands that he’s loved, in more ways than one.
He himself couldn’t imagine what went on in Rowan’s head. There was definitely more that Rowan had suffered from throughout the years. He still cried and occasionally rubbed his fingers over his selfmade scars. It had gotten so bad that Rowan now began inflicting pain on himself.
When Rowan woke up a few hours later, he was grateful that Tanner didn’t let go.
“Tanny?” Rowan asked. Tanner had fallen asleep but woke up at the sound of an angelic voice.
“Ro? Are you okay?” He asked.
“I guess. But my eyes hurt a bit.” Rowan tried to laugh it off but his strained voice made him cough.
“Do you need anything?” Tanner asked. He would give anything for Rowan to stop his pain.
“No. I think I’m fine right now.” The blonde boy sniffled. But then he thought of something. “Actually, there’s one thing you can do.” Rowan knows he shouldn’t ask. But it would make him feel better.
“Anything, Ro. Anything you want.” Tanner made that promise. Rowan looked up to Tanner and blushed.
“I was wondering if you would…” Rowan blushed and looked down at his fingers. “Could you be my first kiss?” He asked. His face was heating up.
“Me? Uhh, why?” Tanner’s voice was shaky. His crush on Rowan had been on his mind for so long. A kiss, to him?! He wants it, of course! But will he be taking advantage of a vulnerable Rowan?
“If I’m gonna have my first kiss, it might as well be with someone I trust. No strings attached! Just a simple kiss. Please?” Rowan asked.
“Yeah. I’ll do it. For you, Ro.” Tanner said. Rowan perked up and quickly got out of Tanner’s arms and turned to face him.
The two sat face to face. “I’m doing this for you, Ro. Because you’re my favorite person.” Tanner said. His eyes went down to Rowan’s lips. He’s never noticed how bright and pink they are. And plump. They’re dying to be kissed.
Rowan licked his lips. This was it, his first kiss! They sat for a while wondering what to do. It was synchronization when the two began to lean in and close their eyes. It was a quick peck on the lips. But longer than Tanner’s first kiss.
But, Tanner now believed that this was his true first kiss. Small sparks of lightning sparked between their lips. It took all their energy to not lean in more and open their mouths. They split apart before it went too far.
“Thank you, Tanny. It means so much coming from you.” Rowan said.
“No problem, Ro. I hope you stay around longer so you can have more kisses.” Tanner said. They didn’t care that they were two boys that just kissed. They’re best friends that kissed.
And Tanner left later that summer with the kiss lingering on his lips. His mind was flooded with thoughts of being with Rowan. He remembered of hearing about gay people. Which are men who love other men. He didn’t think anything of it. Until now.
He still wanted more from the kiss but Rowan was clearly vulnerable at that moment.
As the months passed, that feeling grew even more. And his worry for Rowan’s life grew more. He needed to know how Rowan was doing face to face.
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bye! i love you all!
<3
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honeysuckle ✔️
RomansaRowan hated his life. At 7 years old, his parents didn't love him and he was abused everyday. It was faith that Tanner, a bubbly kid who's visiting his aunt in Oregon, runs into a crying Rowan. Every summer, the two meet at the same honeysuckle flow...
